One of my problems in dating is that I’m a really nice guy, and girls don’t like nice guys. Well, that’s not true. They don’t like nice guys to date, so they date bad guys, and then when those guys screw them over and I laugh at them, I’m labeled a mean guy and that’s the worst kind of guy of them all.
But this week, Adam Levine, the lead singer of Maroon Five and judge on The Voice, somehow managed to be a bad guy and a nice guy all in one sentence. He revealed to Details Magazine that he sleeps with so many women because, “he loves women so much.” I think this is the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard.
Adam Levine can now legitimately tell a girl that he doesn’t want to date her because he loves her so much, instead of the normal you’re ugly or your breathe smells like a pickled onion that’s been bathed in wood varnish for two days. I love you is a much nicer put down. Nice guy. Plus, he’s revealed to the whole world that he has a ton of sex. He’s kind of promiscuous and he’s in a band. Classic bad guy behavior.
I didn’t know any of these things were possible. I thought that when a girl talked to you, you just fumbled awkwardly over your words and then looked at your drink instead of her in the eyes, and then told her that you had to go to the bathroom even though you just went. “So, what do you do?” she says. “I have to pee,” you yell as you run away.
Now, I can take the Adam Levine approach. If I ever find myself in a situation where a ladies hitting on me or at a time when I want to move on from a casual fling, I can just say what Adam Levine would say. “Hey, Baby, I love you so much that I want to talk to you right now, get to know you superficially, sleep with you copiously and intensely for the next week and then when you start to like me, I’m going to move onto someone else. But it’s not because I don’t like you or because you’re getting creepy and bothering me. It’s because I love you so much. Not because of your personality, which is lacking at best, or your beauty, which is virtually nonexistent, but because you are a woman. You have a vagina, and that is enough for me.”
But there’s no way that excuse could work every time for Adam Levine. I mean, it’s brilliant, but there has to be some clinger who wouldn’t take, “I love you so much that I have to move on,” as a “No!”
When Adam gets tired of sleeping at a girls place he could tell her that because he never lived his childhood dream of being a real estate agent he feels the need to sleep at other pieces of real estate. He could tell a lady that he’s such a good person that he feels compelled to give chocolates to different individuals sometimes. He could even tell her that he’s a germaphob, which means that he can’t have sex in a kitchen where he might eat more than once. “Either you get a new kitchen or I’m out.”
These have to work for Adam Levine. Because if there’s one thing I know it’s that if I can’t talk to women, I can come up with really creative reasons to tell people I’ve been taking advantage of them.