• Thu, May 31 2012

Billboard Dad Star Mary-Kate Olsen Currently Seducing Elderly French Gentleman

Bonjour! Beret! Croissant!

Mary-Kate Olsen, formerly known as Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, ran out of suitable men to seduce and sex up in America. She’s sick and tired of the Danny Tanners and the Joey Gladstones and yes, even the Uncle Jesses. Sure a man might have amazing hair, but what good is the sex if you’re having it in his brother-in-law’s attic?

So she logged onto to BrieBaby.com (France’s premiere dating site) and immediately connected with Oliver Sarkozy, the brother of Nicolas Sarkozy. Sarkozy sound familiar? Well it’s not what you’re thinking. They’re not in One Direction. No, until very recently Nicolas Sarkozy was the president of France.

Basically he’s the Will and Oliver’s the Harry. Which makes Mary-Kate the chamber maid. I think. I’m not totally up to date on my European political refernces.

According to our friends at Us Weekly, the two are head-over-heels in love. Which I’ll admit sounds dangerous, but I’m reassured that Mary-Kate’s debating wearing more flats in the future.

Right now as you’re reading this they’re strolling across the French countryside talking about mimes and bordeauxs and all the things that French lovers speak about. However, before you go looking for their wedding registry and thinking about what you’d like to get these crazy kids as a gift, keep in mind that they’re 17 years apart.

MK’s 25 and Oliver’s 42. That means that when Oliver celebrated his 17th birthday, Mother Olsen was conceiving Michelle Tanner. Let that simmer in your head for a second. He’s very old and she’s very young. Why, he’s probably still using AOL mail!

An insider tells Us Weekly that the age difference doesn’t matter because Mary-Kate likes them mature. In fact, she probably wishes he was even older. Like 43.

“MK is constantly complaining about boys not being mature enough for her,” the source explains. “She got the kids out of her system. Now being a businesswoman dominates her time, and she is rarely impressed with guys.”

So good luck you oddly matched couple! May you spend many passionate nights watching Full House reruns together.

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