I was looking through some pictures today of Madonna on the Israel stop on her tour, and as the light played across her rippling biceps, something occurred to me: if you are the child of Madonna, there are certain delusions that you are going to grow up laboring under. Yeah, that’s right, I’m looking at you, Lourdes, Rocco, David, and Mercy. Some of the delusions are simple and easy to get over, like: ‘Bras should be pointed.’ No, that is not true. That was a brief phase of your mother’s and she’s over it now, and nobody else really did it, so it should be easy to get past.
Other things are rooted much deeper, and have us worried about their scarring residual affects. The darkest of these delusions is that every mom has massive superhuman arms with scary muscles and bulging veins. They don’t. They really don’t. Your mom has robo-arms that look scary strong. It looks like her body was cut from strange, popstar-colored marble. It looks like she owns a muscle factory and she keeps it in her biceps. And it’s not even so much that we think there’s anything wrong with Madonna or the way she looks, just that we worry there are certain things that she’s always done for her kids, that they’ve never had to learn for themselves. Certain handicaps that we fear they’re going to carry through to adulthood without even knowing it.
Here are the ten things we’re most worried that Madonna’s kids are going to grow up without knowing how to do.
- Open pickle jars. This one’s basic, but crucial. Bulk up your biceps or prepare yourself for a life without condiments, kids.
- Take doors off their hinges. They may have to actually hire contractors to do this, but right now they’re imagining they’ll be able to do it all themselves. Oh cruel world.
- Punch bears. Do you know how dangerous it is for kids to grow up thinking that just anybody can take down a full-grown Grizzly?!
- Give an Indian burn. The amount of tensile strength applied in opposite directions is crucial. On the plus side, none of Madonna’s kids will be bullies.
- Lift cars off trapped children. I want them to realize that they’ll have to rely on that rush of maternal energy and not be able to just go lifting cars willy-nilly off of every child they come across, like Madonna does.
- Shotput. No explanation necessary.
- Row boats. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen pictures of the family on a boating outing, but Madonna just lies down facedown in the front of the craft and windmills her arms in the water, and they get wherever they wanted to go in no time. But real boats need oars, kids, and that’s something you’ll have to learn.
- Peel oranges. Actually, you know what? This one they can probably handle.
- Arm wrestle Arnold Schwarzenegger. Laugh if you want, but he’s a crucial politica
l contact and you’ll feel his loss when he’s gone.
- An impressive handshake. The way things are going, they’re gonna be saddled with the nickname ‘Dead Fish’…like maybe forever.
And there you have it. The top ten reasons someone needs to get ahold of these kids right now and start feeding them steroids. Because I don’t think even my little grinch heart can bear to tell them that they’re gonna have to learn to do all these things by themselves…