Guys. This is news.
Tori Spelling was photographed yesterday in what has been generously termed a ‘monokini‘, which I think must be Hawaiian for ‘yarn spider belly’, and the interwebs (pun intended) have been abuzz ever since with rumors about her missing belly button. We’ve all been laboring under the assumption that she was human, but if Tori doesn’t have a belly button, then what is she? Is she an alien? Is she aggressive? Friendly? Is she planning to overthrow our system of government and institute a reign of probing terror? Is the Recession her fault?!?
These are all valid points, but you can calm down, because we found her belly button. It was just lurking behind the yarn the whole time. Here, I’ll point it out to you. Imagine that Tori is a black widow spider. Are you doing it? Great. Her belly button is hiding right where her scary hourglass comes together, over her distended spider belly. Do you see it? Apparently Dean McDermott didn’t, because he is walking very close to her, unaware that her venom is incredibly deadly and that she will poison and eat him slightly after the mating ritual is completed.
No wait, I’m exaggerating again. Tori Spelling is not a poisonous spider and she is not going to eat Dean McDermott. She is, however, wearing a very odd swimsuit that actually covers up very little of her crotchal region. (Science words.) She’s also pregnant with their fourth (!!) baby and carrying their third, Hattie, who was literally one month old when Tori got pregnant again. Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. I don’t even have a valid reason why that’s gross, I just keep hearing Borat‘s voice in my head saying “sleeve of wizard”.
Enjoy that image right before lunch. You’re welcome.