Every single day I see another photo of Suri Cruise and Katie Holmes traipsing around the world together like they’re Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Inseparable and caught in their own twisted world of secrets and fame. And yes, in this scenario Tom Cruise is obviously Lizzie Olsen. The outsider who’s always on the periphery of the coveted relationship and forced to do his own projects just to pass the time while his wife and daughter eat cupcakes on Parisian balconies.
Already this morning I saw today’s BFF photos of the pair swimming in a Connecticut lake while Katie Holmes takes a break from shooting a movie based on Chekhov’s The Seagull. While it’s always nice to see celebrity parents taking an active interest in their children, it’s also slightly frightening when you don’t see them doing anything else.
Sure Suri and Katie might have friends back at home…scratch that sentence…they have no real home. (Cue depressing music) But the family’s constantly on the go and it’s nearly impossible to make friends when you spend the majority of your elementary school years hanging around movie sets. So Suri clings to Katie as her BFFAEAE, and it looks like Katie clings back.
(Rumors claim that they each wear matching halves of Suri’s umbilical cord. When you put both pieces together, they fit perfectly. But that just a rumor I made up and want to be true, so who knows if you should really believe it. )
You don’t have to watch more than two hours of Dr. Phil to know that relationship’s not right. Children need friends who are their age and adults need friends who are their age — no matter how mature the child may be or how immature the parent may be. That’s just a fact everyone knows.
So that’s why I propose that Suri and Katie work with Tom to develop a reality show based on this very premise — “Moms and Daughters Looking 4 Friendz.” They can audition several spoiled high-heeled children and several former teen actresses who married major movie stars to become their friends.
It would air right after Wipe Out on NBC and be the smash hit summer sensation. Winners would get to be the real-life friends of Suri and Katie and losers would all go home with penis candy. It’s a win-win for everyone.
Oh, and naturally I would request that Christina Aguilera host.
(Photo: Daily Mail)