• Tue, May 29 2012

The Bachelorette Seems Determined Never To Give A Single Guy A Good Date

It seems like this season’s theme for The Bachelorette is ‘Prove that you’re interested’. Almost every time there’s supposed to be a date, there’s also some sort of challenge involved. This week was no exception, as Chris, who was Emily Maynard‘s choice for the first individual date, had to climb to the top of a building just to have dinner with Emily. (Highlights of that experience: Emily freezing up in terror when a storm blew in, and Chris’ use of the phrase “She looks unbelievable in a harness.”) Once they reached the top, Chris spent dinner and the rest of the evening obsessing about when to kiss her, slow-dancing in front of strangers again, defending his age — he’s only 25 — and all in all, failing to impress me. He got his rose, though, (and the first kiss with Emily) so he’s staying around.

The group date this week had twelve guys on it this time, and started out pretty promisingly for the everybody. The men-folk were throwing around a football, relaxing and enjoying time with Emily. Of course, this could not stand. Mustn’t allow Mustn’t allow group dates to be enjoyable. Enter Emily’s best female friends, to grill the guys. The women asked the guys about their past relationships, whether they’d cheated or had a one night stand, and whether they felt they were ready to be fathers to Ricki. They also made sure to delve deep into Sean‘s physique, having him take off his shirt and…do push-ups. “Prove you’re interested” to the nth degree. Seems to have worked, though, because he friends picked Sean and Doug as their favorites. Also Ryan, but I continue to hate him, so I’m refusing to acknowledge his continued presence on the show unless absolutely necessary. On that note, I feel it’s my duty to tell you that this week Ryan interrupted Emily’s girl talk with her friends to tell her essentially not to gain weight. He said if she got fat, “I’d still love you, I just wouldn’t love on you as much.” There he is, ladies and gentlemen. There he is.

Emily also unleashed children at the men on the group date, just to see how they got along, and continued to be impressed with Jef and Sean, who were apparently really good with the kids, as well as the two dads, Doug and Tony. Tony had a rough week, as he couldn’t stop feeling guilty for being away from his son, Taylor. He kept having tearful conversations with Emily and the other guys about it, and ultimately Emily pulled him aside and said she didn’t want to waste his time and keep him there unless she was 100% sure they had a future together. So Tony was officially the first guy eliminated in the episode last night, and also the first of my BroSquad to be sent home. Wah wahhhh. I actually was impressed by Emily in this case, though, as one of my least favorite things is when Bachelors or Bachelorettes keep someone on the hook. As far as the group date, Sean got the rose, because her friends liked him and he did shirtless push-ups.Arie, another member of my BroSquad, got the individual date, and the two of them took a private plane to Dollywood, where they spent the day learning that Emily doesn’t like roller-coasters. They also got to meet Dolly Parton, who wrote a special song just for them so they could slow-dance in front of her while Emily frantically whispered “I could die” approximately ten thousand times. Which is apparently her way of saying, “I am very excited right now.” When it came time to give him the rose, Emily decided to play a really fun game called “make this guy think he’s going home”, which she did very well, and ‘scared the hell’ out of Arie. But then he also got a rose and some smoochers, so all’s well that ends well.

Heading into the Rose Ceremony, there were a few guys that Emily hadn’t talked to, so she went around to all of them to make sure they got plenty of chances to say something offensive. First up was Alessandro, who had revealed with her girlfriends that he’d cheated before, and had a one-night stand, and told Emily that he viewed getting married and having a kid join his family as a “compromise”. At first Emily thought she was misunderstanding him, but he made sure to explain that it wasn’t a language barrier, he’s just a jerk! She kicked him out pretty much on the spot, and he was confused that he didn’t get a last hug, but glad he didn’t have to compromise his life of ‘living like a gypsy king’. Whatever that means.

Our old friend Kalon also took the bait, and took Emily aside to complain about the fact he hadn’t gotten a date this week. He said it took it personally, and when she tried to explain herself, he said, “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish.” Oh damn, Kalon! You wanna go home? Cause you can go home…is what I would’ve said. But Emily still kept him in the game, just saying, “I like tall, skinny, and funny, but I don’t like tall, skinny, and condescending.” Send him home, he’s a loser.

After both those things happened right before the Rose Ceremony, I guess Emily was a little amped up, and she needed Arie to calm her down a little bit, which he did with his mouth on her mouth, which Ryan was really unhappy to walk in on. In fact, based on his behavior tonight and previews for future episodes, I think we’re about to enter the age of Ryan being a crazy jackass, and I can’t wait.

Rose Ceremony was pretty normal, with Michael and Nate somehow getting through, even though I’ve never even seen her on film talking to either of them. They’ll probably be gone soon, just like Stevie, tonight’s eliminated bachelor, the weird, goat-ish looking MC. And, as previously mentioned, the BroSquad is still largely intact, now five strong. Let’s check in:

BROSQUAD CHECK:
Jef
Arie
Sean
Doug
Charlie
Tony

Looking pretty good, gentlemen, let’s keep up the good work.

Oh and in other news, Travis had apparently named that egg Shelly, and based on the advice of Emily’s girlfriends this week, decided to let Emily break it, so she could finally get to know him. Hurray for love omelets. I’ll see you and this crazy-train next week.

(Images: smallscreenscoop.com, allieiswired.com)

Share This Post: