I want to get directly to the point. At first I was unimpressed by you. You were in a boy band, your locks were bleached and then you went and dated Britney Spears. Personally, I don’t want Britney’s sloppy seconds, but in this case, I’m willing to amend my rule for you, or rather, you and I.
Since your first appearance on Saturday Night Live, I have felt a warm chemistry between us. All of a sudden I realized you were no longer a boy in a boy band, but a man who was funny, and not just normal funny, but hysterical funny; the kind of funny you’d always want in a fella. You, my love, aren’t afraid to make a fool of yourself and for that reason alone, I am smitten. Of course, you are easy on the eyes too. However, this isn’t about looks, it’s about compatibility.
While I’m the first to admit I don’t know much about you, I can also admit that I don’t need to. Why? Because true love doesn’t need a reason — it just is.
I understand that you’re currently engaged to Jessica Biel, and that’s lovely and all, and yes, I do respect that and would never want to be a home-wrecker, but it’s not as though you two have had the sturdiest of relationships. If you recall, you have been on and off again quite a bit. Why would you want to marry someone that, based on your past, you may feel just “lukewarm” about? Why not try someone else who may be, oh, I don’t know, not Jessica and maybe, perhaps, me?
Financially, I have nothing to offer you, so my apologies for that. I’m also not exactly the most pleasant gal under the sun and am known to cry when I pass Jared Leto on the street as I did yesterday. But I want you to know that even though Jordan Catalano will forever be in my heart in that number one spot, you’re a close second, my darling. There’s nothing wrong with being second, as long as the “second” is a close second, right? Yes, I’m sure you agree. Oh, but I can bake some delicious cupcakes from scratch and will be more than willing to make you some everyday for the rest of our lives together! I know you have a sweet tooth, love.
I don’t want to beg or plead or make some sort of scene, so instead I’ll just leave you with this letter. I’m just asking you to consider your life as it is at this moment and how our life together could possibly be. I know it would be fantastic, romantic and full of joy. If we could just get you on board, that would be great.