• Fri, May 25 2012

Anonymous Sources Confirm Rumor: Reese Witherspoon Is Allegedly The Surrogate For Beyonce’s Baby

We here at Crushable on this exceedingly slow news day are excited to break an exclusive story that for some reason no other outlets are picking up:

Rumor has it that Reese Witherspoon might be the surrogate for Beyonce‘s second baby.

We initially uncovered this shocking story while we were investigating whether or not Reese is actually pregnant. In the process of trying to locate a medical professional to go to wherever she is and poke her belly (that plan was still in the early stages), we came in contact with an OB/GYN who is not Reese’s OB/GYN, but is an ‘OB/GYN To The Stars’*.  She is willing to testify that based on a brief preliminary external visual scan of pictures of Reese’s belly through her clothes, Reese is almost certainly carrying Beyonce’s next baby.

Supporting her prognosis, an unnamed source outside the pregnancy stepped forward and was able to determine that the fetus is almost certainly probably female, and that Beyonce and Jay-Z most likely are 100% intending to name her ‘Yellow Vine Carter‘. (Sources inside the pregnancy were unavailable for comment, as they are still in utero and incapable of speech and cognitive understanding.) Thus we are unable to entirely confirm this story, but it definitely seems like it might be true.

As if you needed more proof — we were as skeptical as you. This rumor that we’re starting originally sounded far-fetched to us, as well, but as of 10:00am this morning, two-thirds** of our office was in agreement that it was almost certainly allegedly true.

Sources who have heard of both Beyonce and Reese Witherspoon before confirmed the news, saying, “Those are two ladies I’ve seen in the same magazine before, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they knew each other and wanted to share babies.” That’s all we needed to hear. Beyonce has been denying for months that she used a surrogate for her first pregnancy, and Reese Witherspoon is always wanting us to think that a.) She’s actually pregnant and that b.) It’s not a tiny version of Beyonce in there. It’s interesting to point out that neither celebrity has even addressed these rumors. Can you think of a more obvious sign of guilt??

We can’t (and won’t) stop speculating on what’s going to happen. What if Reese Witherspoon doesn’t want to give up the baby? What if she insists it’s hers and not Beyonce’s? What if Jay-Z shacks up with Reese instead? The options are endless, and they’re all really super incredibly likely to potentially happen.

Well personally we can’t wait to see the baby, and to hear Reese’s excuse for sleeping with Jay-Z even though Beyonce apparently asked her to do it in the first place, she just was assuming she’d use a turkey baster and now she’s furious. It’ll be interesting to see how this love triangle plays out.

It’s a lot of drama for a Friday but it’s almostprobablydefinitelyalittlebitmostlikelyentirely true. And whatever…you’re the one who clicked it.

*Further research has revealed that this OB/GYN is unlicensed and may not actually be an OB-GYN, but in fact an astrologist.

**In fairness, at the time the poll was administered, only two of our three on-site employees had arrived at work.

(Images: People.com, hollywoodnose.com)

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    • Jenni

      But do we sound ridiculous?

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      Yes.