The other day I was watching Late Night with David Letterman when Glee star Lea Michele came on for an interview and her boobs came so far out of her dress that they were nearly popping out of my television into my living room. First, I thought, “I finally see the worth of 3D television.” Then, I thought, “Didn’t Miley Cyrus do this eight times last week?” And, she did. Then, I saw Zac Efron sporting an old-man mustache that was thick enough to make any 13-year-old jealous. It made me nostalgic for my youth really because I felt like these people were 15 years old three days ago, and now, they’re showing off their mature breasts and elderly mustaches.
These kids are becoming adults and I think they’re doing a great job with the process. Everyone knows you can’t be taken seriously as an adult until people see your boobs tumbling out of your shirt and until your mustache makes you look like the star of several adult films. At least, that’s what they told me at my Bar Mitzvah. I remember the rabbi ending the ceremony so elegantly and poignantly when he said, “Harry, now you are a man. Show the congregation your junk.”
Could you argue that Lea Michele and Miley Cyrus, two former role models, are teaching our nation’s young girls that you have to show some boob to impress people? That you can’t get anywhere without exposing a little chest? Maybe. But, someone had to tell them. They were going to learn anyway. I mean, isn’t that the American Dream really? Isn’t that the promise we all grow up on? That you can work hard, bring yourself up from nothing, work diligently through hardship, and when that doesn’t work just expose yourself to someone and get into Yale.
Maybe that’s the key to this country’s economic troubles? Normally, when you get rejected from job after job, you become frustrated and you give up on yourself. But sending a picture of your nipples with a PDF of your resume could be your ticket to success. That’s how I’ve gotten all the jobs, I’ve ever had. And all the restraining orders. After all, recently, nobody cared what Miley Cyrus was doing until she started motor boating the public. She gets it. Did she rest on her natural talent or her vast network of contacts? No. She didn’t sit around and wait for the media to come to her. She went to them with her shirt off.
And could Lea Michele, one of our generation’s most talented singers, gone on Letterman and been smart and witty. Of course, she could have. But she’s a performer, and the greatest, most natural performers never, ever, rest on their laurels. Think of all of those times we’ve seen Aretha Franklin belting out Natural Woman with her skirt near her ass and her boobs falling to the floor like fleshy drapes. It happened all the time.
I’m still a little skeptical though. I think these celebrities can learn a lot from each other. If Zac, Lea, and Miley really want to be taken seriously they should take on each others’ adult attributes. Lea can take Zac’s mustache, Miley can take Lea’s cleavage, and Zac can take Lea’s cleavage and Miley’s sideboob and keep the mustache. Then, I’d be able to take them seriously as mature adults because being an adult is all about making responsible decision like, say, going on national television with your boobs out.