The long awaited movie version of the best-selling novel What to Expect When You’re Expecting by Heidi E. Murkoff is coming out today. The movie attempts to teach men what they should expect when their wife or girlfriend is pregnant. So, you can go see the movie to figure out what it’s about or you could just read the title of the movie and save yourself $10.00.
I will give you one reason to go: There are a bunch of great actors and comedians in this thing. Chris Rock, Matthew Morrison, Jennifer Lopez, Rob Huebel, Cameron Diaz, Elizabeth Banks and Anna Kendrick are all stars.
But, of course, the purpose of this article isn’t to get you to go to the movie, it’s to expose the truth about this movie and life at large. If you are going to see this movie to figure out what to expect when a woman is pregnant, you are wasting your time. You won’t get any reliable information from the movie.
Sure, they’ll show Elizabeth Banks’ hormones making her a crazy lady and other typical pregnant lady experiences, but the truth is there is no way to really predict anything during a pregnancy. There are so many variables, so many things that can happen out of the clear blue. Ask your parents. I’m sure something happened while they were pregnant with you that scared the crap out of them. Something that couldn’t have been expected.
Clearly, what we need to do is take away some of those variables. We need to make pregnancy safer and less unexpected. And naturally, as an unwed father who has no kids I am the perfect person to come up with these ideas.
The first thing that needs to happen is we need to take away a woman’s right to choose when she gets pregnant. After all, unexpected pregnancies are the most unexpected part about pregnancy. That’s common sense. At birth, all females should be given a day when they will conceive at some time between the ages of 18-23. The young age lowers the risk of unexpected birth complications related to older age pregnancies.
Plus, taking choice out of when women can have a baby would all but eliminate abortions, which occur mostly because of unexpected pregnancies. And lowering abortion rates without having to outlaw abortion would appease both Democrats and Republicans. I’m bridging the aisle here.
Complications during birth are also one of the scariest variables that can occur during a pregnancy. For example, breach births, which occur when the baby comes out feet first. Even though this seems like a great opportunity to tickle a baby’s foot, it’s actually very dangerous to both the mother and the baby.
That’s why we should be inserted uteral seatbelts into women upon pregnancy. That way the baby will stay in a safe position from conception to birth. The elastic seatbelt won’t restrict the baby’s growth, and the process of inserting a seatbelt system into a woman’s uterus is minimally invasive, especially in comparison to transvaginal ultrasounds, which are really only implementations of fear to women. Uteral seatbelts could save lives. I’m talking about thousands of women and babies every year. I couldn’t imagine being anti-woman and baby health. That would make you a terrible person, wouldn’t it? Thought so.
Or, instead of having men taking care of their pregnant wives, why not let the pregnant wives take care of each other. So much conflict is caused during a pregnancy when men don’t know what they’re doing. So, women can move into a facility with thousands of other pregnant women where they can take care of each other and get the care they need and deserve. Meanwhile, men can sit around at home and pick up a happy mother and baby nine months later.
There is nothing to expect when your expecting except the unexpected, but these ideas make expectations while expecting more acceptable. We can wrangle the variability of pregnancy, not by seeing a movie, but by taking real, tangible steps, like the ones I’ve laid forth in this article, toward keeping women and babies safer and making pregnancy easier for everybody.
