There’s a trailer for a new movie circulating the internet. It’s called Jersey Shore Shark Attack and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t ridiculous. It’s definitely a parody, so the movie at least knows it’s ridiculous. However, what I’m wondering is if it also knows that it’s terrible, or if that secret is limited to…everyone who’s seen the trailer ever. My only hope is that it’s terrible enough to inch its way all the way back around into funny territory.
Let me break this down for you.
First of all, there’s oil-drilling happening off the coast of New Jersey. Let’s assume for now that they’re drilling for suntan oil, because that makes as much sense as anything else I’m about to say. The deep reverberations of the drilling travel deep into an underground shark cave where all the albino bull sharks live and…AWAKEN THEM.
Meanwhile, onshore, everyone’s getting slutty and drunk and there are blowouts and yes, I can recognize the movie version of every single person from MTV‘s Jersey Shore. Especially Vinny Guadagnino…who is literally in this movie. As is Joey Fatone. Oh how the…mediocre have fallen.
But the fun isn’t made to last, as pretty soon every human who swims into, walks into, or stands near the ocean is being eaten by huge white sharks. (It’s somehow crucial to the storyline that they’re albino.) This means that any time a pretty girl stands near the edge of a boat, you can pretty much guarantee that it’s her last couple of lines before being devoured by an incredibly crappy CGI monster. Seriously. There haven’t been graphics this crappy since the eighties.
According to the blurb on the YouTube video, the point of the movie is that
“…the Preppies must work together with the Guidos in order to save the Jersey Shore and its inhabitants from another vicious slaughter.”
Sounds…awesome. Oh and it stars characters with names like ‘Nookie’, ‘J-Moni’, ‘Donnie’, and ‘The Complication’. I’m all for parodies, but it’s like we’re not even trying, here.