• Thu, May 17 2012

7 Films Based On Even More Confusing Things Than The Battleship Board Game

First there were Traveling Pants, next there were Transformers, now we have Battleship.  It seems like movies can get produced that are based on just about anything these days.  It’s great to find inspiration in unusual places, but a movie based on the board game Battleship takes “unusual” to extremes. While many, many people might be tempted to think about what other board games would look like as movies, I’ve followed the “Battleship” trend by taking things much, much further until it borders on the nonsensical.

The first time I saw a trailer I thought: “Jeez, these U.S. Navy recruitment commercials must have had a large budget to get Rihanna and Liam Neeson. They may get me yet.” Then I thought: “Wow, I can’t believe they’re making an entire movie about a single Battleship; that seems a little one-note.”

Next, I thought: “Wait, what?! This movie is based on the board game Battleship, a game so boring that as a youth I’d rather just help my mom organize the bulletin board than play it?” That last thought is pretty ironic considering there really is no discernible difference between the board game Battleship, and organizing a bulletin board. Kudos, Hollywood, you’ve broken the weirdness barrier for things a movie can be based on. Here is a list that celebrates both new heights in movie-making, and this week’s the nation-wide opening of Battleship.

Stew

Sometimes it seems like it’s just one thing on top of the other! When a completely green rookie gets thrown in with some well-seasoned veterans—it looks like things might boil over. Several stirring performances seem to calm the waters, yet the action continues to simmer. Look out, when temperatures rise, things are certain to get spicy!

Swing Sets

A tragedy in the vein of the great Italian neo-realists, this is the gritty depiction of some very determined and social climbers.  They race the clock, and every step they take brings them one rung higher on the ladder of success.  Yet, they never take the time to look around and enjoy where they are at that moment. They will do anything to get what they want and what they want is to get to the top.  And when they do?  They realize there’s nothing else up there, and as with any classic tragedy, they come sliding down. After hitting rock bottom, they take up with some kind of deviant crowd, usually swingers.  Whatever it is, they end up filthy, with torn clothing, possibly crying and without a single dollar in the bank.

A New Yorker Article

In a tenebrous and prosaic world where pedestrian antics must be fought with pleonastic superciliousness: we must look to an unconventional sentry for deliverance.  A different kind of hero for a different kind of time, he will use perspicacity and mental acumen, rather than the physical puissance of sinewy muscle, of which he is devoid. His Achilles’ heal? Tortoiseshell spectacles. Nevertheless, he will subjugate the malefactors.  We will all be safe from detriment thanks to his pedantic powers.

A Novel About a Broadway Show Derived from a Movie Adapted from a Television Show Inspired by a Hit Song from a Documentary Film on the Making of an eBook.

This is the zaniest romp to ever hit the page, the stage, the screen, primetime, the airwaves, the festival circuit and/or your eReader! Sometimes a story comes along that is so true it can inspire literally dozens of iterations, becoming either increasingly fictitious, or even more truthful with each level of mimesis. Co-created by Sapphire, James Franco, Mark Burnett and the staff writers at Bunim/Murray productions.  This one will be a shoe-in for a Pulitzer, a TONY, an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, the Palm D’Or, and/or five stars on Amazon.com.

A Facebook Group

This light-hearted, animated romantic-comedy proves that you just never know when and where Cupid will strike.  They say opposites attract and that means anything standing in between these two is about to get flattened like a pancake! They may literally be a cat and a dog, but they both absolutely hate when people misuse the word “random.” So much so in fact, that they’ve joined an online social networking group in protest of this occurrence. Watch what happens as everyone learns the truth about cats and dogs! Sometimes all it takes is just one thing in common for foes to become Facebook friends. But do these two have what it takes to become… Facebook lovers?

Hand Sanitizer

A true coming-of-age story, watch as this bubbly little gel grows and evolves into so much more.  Sure, there will be a lot of sticky situations, but life lessons don’t come easy. Sometimes it might feel like you’re just trapped inside a see-through container watching life pass you by, but hang in there.  In the end, you’ll learn that the most important thing is to be there when someone else really needs you… because they just got off the subway and they want to eat a slice of pizza.

A Bill Cosby Sweater 

This episodic art-house piece is a timeless classic.  Interwoven threads and details give an incredible ensemble tons of material with which to work. This thing is very, very hard to look at and yet, once you do, you can’t look away.  Sure, some areas of this work are kind of a stretch, but overall, the proof is in the pudding.

 

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