The Bachelorette Returns, Renewing My Faith In Crazypants Gentlemen

First, the crazyfaces. These boys are trying to make a first impression on a pretty lady on national television, so they’re not the most rational of humans right now. Here’s a list of the most ridiculous things that happened in the first episode:

Randy. Oh, Randy. Dressed up as a grandma and then did a ‘big reveal’, removing his wig and then struggling with his muumuu, proving himself to actually be…just an average-looking guy. Worth noting: Randy did not make it through the Rose Ceremony.


Travis. Brought an ostrich egg with him, which he says represents Emily and her daughter, Ricki, and which he pledges to protect throughout this entire process. Surprisingly, Travis did make it through the Rose Ceremony, although he was the final pick. Could easily have been the producers saying, “Uh, yeah, hey Em, throw that guy a bone so America can watch him protect his egg for a few more episodes.”

Kalon — a self-described “former womanizer” (that’s a job, right?), eschewed the typical limo entrance to enter by private helicopter landing in the backyard. Every male at the party promptly hated him, Emily promptly rewarded his showoff-y behavior by picking him third in the Rose Ceremony, and I promptly realized that Emily and I are different creatures.

Jackson — this little monkey got out of the limo and immediately kneeled down, took Emily’s hand, and told her she took his breath away. Buddy, the last time someone kneeled in front of this girl on this show, he was proposing. And it didn’t work out. So maybe just a handshake next time. Unfortunately for him, Jackson did not make it through the Rose Ceremony.

Annnnd, at the opposite end of the spectrum, the front-runners. I picked six that I had good feelings about, but I can already tell that my instincts are very different from Emily’s, so some of these gentlemen may not last very long.

Tony. A single father from Oregon with a five-year old son. I’m already super-biased because he’s from my home state, but he also gets bonus points for having a kid and for bringing a glass slipper with him when he first met Emily. He tried it on her foot and when it fit, called her his princess and called himself Prince Charming. From what I’ve heard, the Disney princess thing is a slam-dunk with a certain type of lady, so nice work, Tony. He was picked seventeenth, though, so he almost became my first incorrect prediction of the season.

Charlie. A recruiter who was in a near-fatal accident after falling fifteen feet off a balcony. This guy is on my list because he seems calm and genuine, like someone who re-evaluated his life after a trauma. Picked fifth. (Note: for some reason, there’s no picture of him currently on the ABC website [this one seems to be from the same photo-shoot, but I found it through Google], which probably doesn’t bode well for his chances or my instincts.)


Jef. Obviously I need it to be noted that he gets points subtracted for leaving out a crucial ‘f’ in his name and for skating up behind the car on a skateboard to come meet Emily, but he talked to her in a relaxed way without trying too hard, and she said he made her feel at ease, so I suspect he’ll stick around. He’s an entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, Utah. Picked sixth.

Arie. A race car driver, just like Emily’s fiancee who died. But he also seems very genuine, super tall dark and handsome, and went out of his way to make sure she was comfortable with what he did for a living, considering her fiancee had been on his way to a race when he was killed. She said she appreciated him telling her, and picked him fourth.

Sean. All I know about this guy is that he’s blond and does insurance. If Emily talked to him at all at the party, that footage wasn’t aired, so I think she, like me, just found him inexplicably attractive (as well as reasonably personable), because she picked him eighth. However, I did also see lots of footage of them from future episodes making out, so I totally win the guessing game.

Doug. Dougie boy got the first impression rose, keeping him safe for the first round. He probably deserved it, too — he got his eleven-year old son, Austin, to write a letter to Emily telling her what a good dad he was, and that he would make her happy. She teared up a little reading it, and the jig was up, we all knew who was getting ze rose. In other news, he’s from Seattle, likes hugging, and does something with charities.

So there they are, folks. The gentlemen whose lives I’m going to follow more closely than my own in the upcoming weeks. Oh won’t you join me on this romantic (and slightly crazy) getaway?


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