The Many Ways ONE Crushable Commenter Wants Me To Die


Oooo acid. Sounds painful, but I’m intrigued. Also, as always babe, thanks for looking out for my family’s finances. I would hate, hate, HATE to make them spend money on my funeral.

Hmm, slitting my wrists. Seems so standard, you know? I may be a hack writer, but I am NOT a hack suicider. What’s next!?


Oh wow. Now we’re talking. Jumping off the Empire State Building without a parachute. It combines adventure, tourism and my inevitable death.  I like where your head’s at on this one.

Oh what do we have here? A basic heart stoppage. It’s simple, but just not me. You know?






Bullet train, you say? I do like travel! Is there a discount for pseudo-intellectuals? If so, SIGN ME UP.

Here he is playing games with my heart. One day I should kill myself, the next day I shouldn’t. I can’t keep returning these nooses. The good employees at Suicide R Us are going to start getting suspicious.

And here comes Miss Common Sense to my defense! I love the way he puts asterisks in for the word bitch. Such a gentleman. Swoon.

Oh wait, let’s dial back the non-suicide-comments from Miss Common Sense. Here’s a long one! Thanks for supporting me Amy, but truly I should probably just eradicate myself stat. It would be for the best. James is righ. Very righ indeed.

And I saved the best for last. A few terminal illness deaths that are a little hard to contract. But for James/Joechief/JackFrost/Miss Common Sense/Skyver/1D Fan, I’ll try my hardest!

So there you have it. All my options laid out so very nicely. Thank you man with many names, I will forever be grateful for your continued support of my hack writing career. As soon as I earn that GED, I’ll send it to you. All of you. Wink face.

To see a full list of all posts that my boyfriend (too soon?) commented on, click on over to the next page

Share This Post:
    • Amy

      Yay I’m featured in the article as a slight hero! I’m on your side Jenni

      I suspected it was all the same person, but who has that much time? A crazy person that’s who. I did warn you they/he was so obsessed they/he might try to make a coat of your skin.

      • Jenni Maier

        I burn very easily so jokes on him if he wants to make a coat of my skin.

    • Quinn

      ummmm I am in love with this website. I just found it… and I am hooked. Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you!!!

      • Jenni

        Well now we’re in love with you! Thanks for reading and commenting and being our new best friend!

    • Pingback: Valentines Day Hate, Dance Moms, Saturday Night Live, Girls, Buzzfeed()