• Thu, May 10 2012

The Many Ways ONE Crushable Commenter Wants Me To Die


Oooo acid. Sounds painful, but I’m intrigued. Also, as always babe, thanks for looking out for my family’s finances. I would hate, hate, HATE to make them spend money on my funeral.

Hmm, slitting my wrists. Seems so standard, you know? I may be a hack writer, but I am NOT a hack suicider. What’s next!?


Oh wow. Now we’re talking. Jumping off the Empire State Building without a parachute. It combines adventure, tourism and my inevitable death.  I like where your head’s at on this one.

Oh what do we have here? A basic heart stoppage. It’s simple, but just not me. You know?






Bullet train, you say? I do like travel! Is there a discount for pseudo-intellectuals? If so, SIGN ME UP.

Here he is playing games with my heart. One day I should kill myself, the next day I shouldn’t. I can’t keep returning these nooses. The good employees at Suicide R Us are going to start getting suspicious.

And here comes Miss Common Sense to my defense! I love the way he puts asterisks in for the word bitch. Such a gentleman. Swoon.

Oh wait, let’s dial back the non-suicide-comments from Miss Common Sense. Here’s a long one! Thanks for supporting me Amy, but truly I should probably just eradicate myself stat. It would be for the best. James is righ. Very righ indeed.

And I saved the best for last. A few terminal illness deaths that are a little hard to contract. But for James/Joechief/JackFrost/Miss Common Sense/Skyver/1D Fan, I’ll try my hardest!

So there you have it. All my options laid out so very nicely. Thank you man with many names, I will forever be grateful for your continued support of my hack writing career. As soon as I earn that GED, I’ll send it to you. All of you. Wink face.

To see a full list of all posts that my boyfriend (too soon?) commented on, click on over to the next page

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  • Amy

    Yay I’m featured in the article as a slight hero! I’m on your side Jenni

    I suspected it was all the same person, but who has that much time? A crazy person that’s who. I did warn you they/he was so obsessed they/he might try to make a coat of your skin.

    • Jenni Maier

      I burn very easily so jokes on him if he wants to make a coat of my skin.

  • Quinn

    ummmm I am in love with this website. I just found it… and I am hooked. Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you!!!

    • Jenni

      Well now we’re in love with you! Thanks for reading and commenting and being our new best friend!

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