You Can Now Buy Your Very Own Tanning Mom Doll, Cancer Sold Separately

The world’s most heroic toy builders just announced that they’ve created a Patricia Krentcil doll. While everyone else worried about her child getting burns from being in a tanning bed, these real Americans figured out a way to merchandise the leather-faced disaster. And just in time for Mother’s Day.

Because nothing says Happy Mother’s Day quite like giving your mom a doll that says, “no matter how much you messed up my childhood, you never showed up for school liking like this.” Or that’s the subtext I imagine the doll to have.

Unless of course you’re buying it for your child. The subtext for that gift is “I hate you. I hate you so much that I’m choosing to spend your present money on a horribly distasteful Barbie knock-off that will likely give you nightmares for the rest of your life.”

Still interested in buying this doll? Of course you are! It sounds a-mazing. Nope, I take that back. It sounds A-MAZING. All caps. Yes, this doll deserves all caps! I mean she is wearing a pants suit. Let’s give her the respect she deserves.

Its a one of a kind gift with so many mixed message. Or heck, why make it a gift? Splurge, buy yourself a collector’s item that will be worth approximately half its value by next month.

Hero Builders is selling the doll, appropriately named “Tanorexic Action Figure” for only $29.99. Can you believe that bargain!? I can’t. Sometimes dreams do come shipped to your home for under $30. Sometimes mothers are so absolutely ridiculous that they become a national joke, SNL skit and doll within a week of being introduced to society.

I don’t know whether to condemn Patricia Krentcil, congratulate her or cover her in aloe. I suppose if I buy the doll, I can do all three!

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