Stalker Sarah. Let’s talk about her, because I’m bamboozled.
First, I’ll catch you up. Stalker Sarah is a sixteen-year-old girl who has had her picture taken with over 4,600 celebrities. Can I get an ‘OH DAMN!’? We were just talking about it in the Crushable office, and we agreed that we probably can’t even name 1,000 celebrities. Let alone 4,600. Let alone recognize them. I just cruised through her Flickr for a little bit (which is 261 pages long, BY THE WAY), and I probably recognize about 35% of the people she’s in pictures with. And I consider myself actually embarrassingly informed about celebrities — this is literally part of my job.
Which is where the confusion part comes in. How does she have time for all this? Do you have a Harry Potter-style Time Turner, Stalker Sarah?? Is that how you’ve been going to Herbology AND Arithmancy?!? (We can pretend it’s also part of my job to know all about Harry Potter.) How do you have all this free time to:
- Know who these celebrities even are? Keeping up-to-date on all the sources required to recognize all these A-, B-, C-, and D-listers would be a full-time job in itself.
- Physically travel to where these celebrities may or may not be and approach them in a non-threatening enough way to get them to take a picture with you.
- Do this repeatedly to the extent that people like Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber recognize you and refer to you by name.
No but seriously. How is this possible? There is literally not enough time in anyone’s life for all this. Don’t teenagers have pretty standard time commitments? I know when I was sixteen, I was pretty busy with school and extracurriculars and stoking the fires of my social awkwardness. And trying to keep food out of my braces, but we can’t all be perfect.
My only conclusion is that this girl has to have some sort of connection, or at the very least, people helping her out as far as letting her know who is and isn’t famous. Otherwise how could she possible recognize them all on her own? However, according to Sarah herself, no one in her family is at all connected to the entertainment business. I just. I’m baffled. I’m literally sputtering over here. There has to be some information that I don’t have. Does this girl not have school? Does she not have parents? Or more likely, are her parents spending their whole day driving her around the city to different celebrity hotspots? For me, just stalking one person at a time via Facebook is an exhausting full-time (and super glamorous) job. Who is this girl that she’s able to stalk 4,600 at once and they don’t all hate her?
I’m admitting defeat, here. This is beyond my capabilities of understanding, as a human with a rational and logical knowledge of the properties of time. I’m gonna go down to the lobby and see if George Clooney‘s around and wants to get a snack.