An Open Letter From Oprah to Her Earlier, Hungrier Self

For the May 2012 issue of Oprah Magazine, Oprah Winfrey herself wrote a touching, if fairly odd open letter to her younger self.

We here at Crushable are feeling particularly irreverent today, so we decided to ignore the touching part and focus on the odd. Thus, I present to you, Oprah’s Letter to Her Earlier, Hungrier Self:

Dear Morning Oprah,

It’s me. Afternoon Oprah.

I look into the eyes of a screenshot you took at 11:00am and see the light and hope of myself. Mine is the same face from this morning, and yet…different. Older. Wiser. Richer.

In this photo you are sitting at your desk in your fifty-eighth year. Your job is amorphous, but you have a great deal of money. You’re proud of yourself for your many accomplishments, but feeling particularly hungry in these moments before lunch. Part of you is uncertain that lunch will ever come. Even with all your distractions, your biggest concern is how to manage your love life with Stedman. Yes, you are dating someone named Stedman.

It’s funny how long ago that time feels. We are divided by only a few hours, and yet it feels like an eternity.

On this morning you let an employee talk you into ordering out instead of just going to the gourmet cafeteria downstairs, hoping that they’d be proud to work for someone who has such a skillful command of the art of salad layering. He seems less than impressed. The truth is, he’s intimidated. You don’t know this, though, because you can see yourself only through his eyes. A lesson you will have to learn again and again: to see yourself with your own eyes, to love yourself from your own heart, to eat your salad with your own mouth.

You’ve spent too many days and years trying to please others and be what they wanted you to be. No more. This will be your single greatest gift: knowing that there is a power greater than yourself, Yelp.com, where you can read about a restaurant before you order from them. Trust that a Force will guide you to that website and that you find someplace well-reviewed.

But, for now, knowing there is a salad coming is what will sustain and fulfill you.

From where I sit now, viewing your journey, at 2:00pm, there are few regrets. Only seconds before this picture was taken, you softly passed gas in your own office, but don’t worry — the door was closed and the smell would dissipate before anyone came in. Even then, you saw that this gas bubble was a lesson, as it taught you not to keep pent up inside that which we ought to release to the world. Like flatulence, you must move with the flow of life and not against it. That knowledge will be our greatest achievement.

Love me you deeply,

Oprah

P.S. Please remember to take a Tums this morning, as there were some red onions in your salad even though you asked them specifically to hold them out.

(Photo: thisisfakediy.co.uk)

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