In the coming battle that will constitute the Teen-pocalypse, there are many things working against us over-18s: we’re bad at skateboarding, we’re clumsy with social media, and we’re simply not as balls out when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. But there’s one thing those crazy kids have yet to master, and that’s figuring out how to get drunk without poisoning themselves/each other.
According to The LA Times, six teenagers in the San Fernando valley have ended up in emergency rooms after drinking hand sanitizer (or alcohol distilled from it), which is apparently enough to constitute a “troubling trend.” Like the vanilla extract drinkers and marigold huffers before them, these wily (but not wily enough) kids used instructions they found on the internet to distill 120 proof liquor from hand sanitizer, which is strong enough to “cause a person’s speech to slur and stomach to burn, and make people so drunk that they have to be monitored in the emergency room” after just a shot or two. Oh dear!
“It is kind of scary that they go to that extent to get a shot of essentially hard liquor,” a public health official told the paper. No shit. If teens are so hell bent on getting drunk that they’re willing to do it in a horrid and risky way, can you imagine what else they’re capable of?
So basically, the moral of the story is that if you care about teens, maybe you should just give them a little bit of your beer to drink so they see what that’s like without dying. Or if you hate and fear teens, let them continue to self-destruct, as certain attributes that make them lethally effective fighters may also prove to be mortal handicaps.