Stage presence, preferably in Vegas. Sure, so many musicians secure a resident show on the Las Vegas strip as their careers wind down — Cher, Celine Dion and Elton John take turns and all call Sin City home. But if you never found time to travel to Nevada for more than a night on tour, fear not — Cirque du Soleil will take care of that. Acrobats trained in Montreal will dance and jump and risk their lives in your name each night, just like they do now in The Beatles’ LOVE and Viva ELVIS!, and soon will with Michael Jackson’s Immortal. Of course, there’s also the Vegas musical route — ABBA tracks were turned into Mamma Mia! and Queen’s biggest hits into We Will Rock You, both of which were Vegas hits before Jersey Boys took the strip by storm while applauding Frankie Valli. And hey, if you’re really lucky, your career might be turned into a television show about your impending musical — hello, Smash.
Sold out concerts. Seriously. Since Tupac Shakur slapped YOLO in the face at the first Coachella weekend this year, touring is now a lucrative option. And we’re not simply suggesting short appearances at music festivals that inevitably go viral on YouTube — we’re talking full-on, multi-city tours. I mean hey, if the Jackson 5 can consider reviving the late Michael Jackson for a reunion run via hologram, you shouldn’t rule out the possibility either. Let’s then tape one of those concerts for a three-dimensional movie version, like Hannah Montana and The Jonas Brothers did. Remember, this is for the fans – don’t wanna leave out all those who couldn’t make it to a live show. Definitely not just trying to make an extra buck off your death certificate.
Endless interviews and pending book deals. As if all that exposure isn’t enough, your life and cause of death will be all over the media — people speculating about how you died, loved ones commenting on how you lived, your previous self repeating quotes said long ago and possibly hinting to your leave. Your family and friends will sit down with Oprah, Barbara, Piers, Matt, Ryan, and anyone and everyone they can. They just can’t stop talking about you; they just love you so much. There’s just suddenly so much to discuss, especially for the upcoming biography to be penned in your honor. Any remaining correspondence or diaries hidden away for decades? Oh good, those are all perfect sources of never-before-seen material that’ll really make the biography fly off the eBook shelves.
Trending on Twitter. Oh, you never really used social media while still on this earth? It’s okay, you’re all over the Twitterverse once you die. #RIPYourName trends in every zip code as celebrities and fans chime into the conversation with their favorite memories of your time alive. Of course, someone always makes a horribly bad pun about your passing — Dick Clark’s leave inevitably meant too many jokes about how the world really will end in 2012 because he won’t usher us into 2013 with a New Year’s Rockin’ Eve – and way too many kids will ask their equally-young network who you are and why you’re trending. Savvy with social media but can’t search your name on a search engine? Unfortunately. Thankfully, they’ll all finally find out who Whitney is, since the tribute episode entitled ”Dance with Somebody,” airs tonight on Fox at 8 p.m. EST.
Want a preview? Watch Glee’s a cappella rendition of Whitney’s 1985 dance hit, “How Will I Know” below:
Death is a difficult thing, but look on the bright side: because of all these amazing ways to mourn a lost legend, at least somebody wins. And they win big. Hooray for Hollywood!
You can follow Ashley Lee @cashleelee