• Mon, Apr 23 2012

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Season Premiere is Begging for a Bad Porno Parody

The season four opener follows the Gorgas, the Giudices, and the Wakiles as they head down to the shore. Or, as they say, “down the shoah.” To kick off the I-didn’t-need-to-hear-that string of comments, Kathy Wakile tells her husband Rich to “stick it in deep” when he’s packing one of their bags. Okay then.

Next up, we find the Giudices also packing for the shore. We are reminded that they do not speak to each other, only scream. Joe Giudice heaves some kind of giant, nasty, rotting package on top of the Giudices’ car. Milania, who is perhaps the best part of this and all the other RHONJ episodes, is amazed by his strength. She tells her dad that he’s “like a DRAGON.” A dragon! Teresa also compliments Joe’s strength, to which Joe replies, “I always get it up, Tre.”

Are your ears bleeding yet? No? Good, because there’s more! Now we’re chillin’ with the Gorgas. Joe Gorga (who, I must admit, is looking incredibly buff this season) explains that he likes to do a little somethin’-somethin’ to the Gorga shore house each year to spruce it up a little. What’s his genius idea for this year? Sound proofing! So that the kids can’t hear what mommy and daddy are doing in their room. Ooh, romantic.

The sexual innuendo only continues from there, with Kathy making a joke about how nothing stands in her husband’s way, if you know what I mean. Rich also makes a joke about “small pieces” – I’ll spare you the gruesome details – and tells Joe Gorga that Kathy is so hot, he can’t go near her or he’ll stain his pants. Mmm, so many things I never needed to hear. Nice.

I figure it’s only a matter of days before some porn producer jumps on this idea and makes the “XXX Housewives of New Jersey.” Or, more likely, one of the housewives will have a sex tape “scandal.” Because there has got to be a sex tape here somewhere, and now that Danielle Staub is gone, somebody’s got to fill those shoes.

You heard it here first. Porn studios out there, I expect a cut of your profits for this idea. Thanks.

(Photos: Bravo/Starcasm)

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