Happy 420, everyone! I hope your day is as full of fun, friends, and gravity bongs as your stoney heart desires. In honor of this important holiday, I invited some friends over to get super stoned and watch some teenybopper videos with me, as one does on 420 (and because EIC Jenni Maier asked me to). To preseve the purity of our reactions, we were not allowed to even see what the videos were until after we were already high. And yes, that photo is me smoking w33d out of a carrot. What of it?
It was hard to transcribe the mp3 very precisely with everyone talking over each other, so I’m just going to include the best quips I managed to hear for each. I’m not so sure my friends would want to be attributed, anyway.
What’s this a commercial for?
Your boss wants you to get stoned and look at 12-year-olds? THAT’S FUCKED UP.
They’re having so much fun. I can’t get mad at that.
The worst part is, I really wish I wish hanging out with those guys right now. Chilling out on the beach, singing with your friends. Walking around singing with your good male friends on the beach. Talkin’ about…oh wait, shirts off guys.
Wouldn’t it be crazy if we all just got naked right now? I don’t know. No one would ever know.
Oh my god. Why isn’t there a lifeguard on the beach? Those kids are so young and there’s no lifeguard.
Those girls are so much older than them.
You know what I like? When a guy sings into my mouth or my face like I’m a clown in a delivery takeout order window.
I’m gonna smoke out of this carrot and think about how unhealthy this is.
They’re gonna take so many virginities.
I love it when lesbians go commercial.
I would bang that lead singer. I’d bang him, I’d bang him, and I’d totally bang him.
Oh no, this is awful.
Is that guy foreign? Are they Australian? Is that guy four years old?
Are you sure we’re not watching the same video we were watching before?
I just got back from South America, and I can honestly say people our age are into this shit. It is really bad.
I hope it’s going by age and the last guys were 12, and these are 18, and the next are 20 and then we’re gonna get to a 50-year-old bracket in the next set. I wanna see some elderly ass people doing a boy band.
Again, with the singing in her face! Why did I never realize how weird that is before?
The guitar thing is made possible by the mac book pro and the 5D.
I bet they shot these two videos in the same day on the same beach.
Is he apologizing to her stomach for what he’s about to do?
I’d get down like that! They’re in Ibiza!
You know what, I will say, I’m glad a guy appreciates when a girl comes, because that’s what that lyric’s about.
Wait, can we take it back to when they show everyone’s faces so I can judge them each on their face individually? I wanna look at each of these guys that are glad somebody’s came’s faces.
Who fucks a toddler? Why is this guy in the band compared to that guy? What’s the age range in this band? That’s Max Steele. That’s his 12-year-old cousin he said could be in the band so long as he followed up on all the emails.
(We pause it at 0:41)
Left to right is Frankie Muniz, Indian Vanilla Ice, um…new and improved Kato Kaelin in the middle…the guy in the back is Seth Rogen‘s brother, and then we have….
Oh, that’s totally that guy who’s wife that was in the wheelchair, what’s his name?
That’s the bad boy of the group.
No, what’s that guy everybody loves that’s black? He was in a wheelchair in Degrassi High…
Drake! He’s the white Drake! Yeah, that’s the white Drake. But he’s out of the wheelchair.
Okay, I like it already. Bunch of college kids having a good time, nothing wrong with that.
That guy’s face, he’s like a male cheerleader.
Is this what people do instead of drugs in college now?
They still do drugs.
Look at them. None of these people are on drugs right now.
I bet a date rape happened while they were shooting this. And it was that guy.
That dog was cute!
I missed the dog.
Why are they so into that telephone hand thing?
Oh no, that was the move after Beyonce‘s album.
Where are these people from? I feel like we could make a much better video than them.
I feel like we could make a much better everything than everyone.
You know what? You can’t buy spirit.
Is that Justin Bieber? Hey, that is Justin Bieber!
Look at that nice ass apartment, PS.
Dude. That’s their parents’ house.
I retract everything I fucking said. That was brilliant. As long as Bieber is involved, I belieb in this shit.