A Guy Says: Why Isn’t There A 50 Shades of Grey For Men?

I’d like to start by saying if you’re reading this, Thank You.  I know how hard it was put down 50 Shades of Grey and read this column instead.  Actually, I have no idea how hard it was because I haven’t read any of it, which is why I’m so qualified to make flawless critiques about 50 Shades of Grey by E.L James.  America’s women have been whirled into a frenzy by this literary tornado of sweaty sex, orgasms, and since there are orgasms I’ll also say it’s a literary tornado of semen, which could get gross.  I’d grab an umbrella.

The book details the relationship between young Anastasia Steele (rumored to be played by Dakota Fanning) and businessman Christian Grey, who sexually dominates the younger Steele.  Or that’s what I’m told by Wikipedia.  This erotica novel is not only Amazon’s number one selling piece of fiction, but also it was recently purchased for $5 million by Universal Pictures.

And, because it’s selling so well, especially with 30-something women, it’s been labeled, “Mommy Porn,” by some.  That is a huge problem.  I’ve never been so misled in my life.  None of the “Mommy Porn” I’ve ever seen has involved reading a book.  Imagine my dismay when I googled, “Mommy Porn,” the other day, and then had to wade through 500 articles about a book before finding what I was looking for.  “I don’t have all day here, book that isn’t actually mommy porn.”

In the interest of accuracy, it should be relabeled, “Porn For Mothers.”  Though that could cause a stir with conservatives.  I can see Rick Santorum now, holding the book on some stage, “This book, this porn for mothers is destroying the American Family.  It’s a slippery slope.  One minute our nation’s mothers are reading porn, and the next thing you know, our nation’s children are watching porn!  Could you imagine!  If we are going to uphold the American family, we need to end a woman’s right to choose…what to read.”

And now that I’ve got you all hot and bothered by talking about Rick Santorum, mostly bothered, I have to admit I’m a little hot and bothered by this furor over a piece of erotic literature for woman. I mean, it’s so unfair.  There’s no erotic literature for men!  When will we live in a society that treats men and women equally?

I’d write it, but I don’t think I could.  I try to write from personal experience, so my erotic fiction would be pretty terrible.  “Harry saw Michelle from across the bar.  Harry noticed how her blonde hair fell down to the small of her back, leading his eye to down to her full backside.  He went over to talk to her and then turned around because good looking women make him nervous.”  See.  No good.

Some guy has to stand up for all men because it’s crazy as it is.  Women have 50 Shades of Grey, and all those books with Fabio on the front, and tons of magazines like Cosmo.  And, guys have…let me think.  Nothing.  So, somebody figure it out.  If you’ll excuse me I’m going to read the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.  See, there’s another one for women.  It’s all fashion.  Nothing for men

You can reach this post's author, Harry Barron, on twitter.
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    • PortraitofMmeX

      Are you joking? Please tell me you’re joking.

      • Elise

        I am so glad that someone out there besides me has difficulty distinguishing whether someone is serious or just trolling in a very successful fashion. It’s so nice to know that I’m not the only one.

        My guess is that this HAS to be some sort of satire, because it takes less then five seconds to google the phrase, “erotic literature for men.” And more than one of the results is for an actual book you can purchase from amazon. So I call BS, and looking at more than a few phrases in the article, it HAS to be a joke.

    • G

      There is erotic fiction out there written by men on literotica.com. But it’s not that good. The writers on the fanfic sites are way way way better. They keep calling 50 shades porn, but it has a plot, a story, character development, and emotions. Literotica.com really reads like a porn movie.

    • Jane

      husband loves porn – a bit of 2 stroke, a good piston engine – Rotax 912, and he’s off.

    • Maggie

      You have GOT to be kidding me. It’s male-directed porn that has skewed our world so off-course that sex has lost any semblance of intimacy. But then, I’m willing to bet that 99% of the people who read what I’ve jus written won’t have a clue as to what I’m talking about, because they’ve never lived in a world that didn’t have a sexual connotation applied to everything, all the time.

    • Kylie

      Erm….it’s a joke, lighten up people!

      Here’s the beginning to some great male porn that I just wrote now….

      He entered….the bar. Walked up to the hot blonde at the bar, she turned around. He FINISHED before she’d even started talking.


    • asrai

      Porn for moms is the same as porn for guys. Porn is porn, porn is material portraying explicit sex. If there are feelings and a story line it’s generally called erotica or explicit romance.

      Most men consider porn to be visual, not because it’s what they enjoy but becuase it’s what is considered normal. Every year a few dozen erotic books are published, Rachel Krammer Busell, and Violet Blue are editors on several anthologies published every year.

      Books like 50 Shades aren’t new. There have been explict stories written for many years. And I have no idea why this is the one that brought it to the light of the mainstream.

      If a guy wants to pick one up, they have many choices. It’s not hard to find.

    • TC

      regardless of what people really think or choose to admit, sex is all around, though i read the fifty shades trilogy and liked the escape from the every day, but truthfully, i can do the same with my own writing, heck i probably say more erotic and real word lines to my husband in my text messages. the thing is, everyone likes the escape but i just dont get why a book so popular with women is not geared towards them. everyone says this is “mommy porn” but im a wife and a mother and a business woman and i dont get it, i think its the opposite, this is for men…the deisre to dominate and control and @#%$#^! In 2012, the majority of women in the world are the exact opposite of Anna, they are the dominants, business driven, powerful and full of drive….in EVERY WAY! Truthfully, my husband got more OUT OF me reading the books then I did. Quit the helpless dammsel in distress portraits…they don’t exist any more except maybe in some third world countries. The true erotica of today is when a man and a woman can argue on an equal stage and then rip eachothers clothes off with 50/50 roles as the “dominant”

    • Viktorea

      Erm…. Men dont have the attention-span to read a book for starters. They are simple-minded creatures who would rather look at naked pictures and watch actual porn.
      Women appreciate this book as we are far more imaginative sexually. Nothing stopping them from reading these books anyway, Who ever said it’s specifically for women? If they had the patience to read them, I reckon they’d enjoy it just as much!

    • Stav

      There already exists a 50 Shades of Grey for men, it’s called: 50 Shades of Grey!

      I’m on the second book now and i’m loving it. I’m a 29 year old straight man with a long term girlfriend. I usually don’t read much fiction, and especially not erotic fiction, but I have to say, apart from the overuse of the word, ‘murmur’, I think the book is class!

      On a recent flight to Chicago, two early 20′s girls caught me reading it and were very impressed. “Research”, I told them. They laughed and said they’d like to find their own Christian Grey.

      Anyway, I think guys can enjoy these books too, and if you’re looking for a quick fix of porn, there’s always the internet…

      Now, where did I put those silver balls…

    • Ryan

      50 Shades of Grey for men would be a book about Christian Grey getting 50 shades of brown taken out of him with a bat.
      He’s a monster, the worst kind of guy I dont care about the baggage- he’s smart enough to know better

    • http://www.facebook.com/SarabethlanoisRockeu Sarabeth Rockett

      men have real porn to watch and dirty magazines that have woman with fake boobs on cover i think theres more out there for men then woman

    • Jessica

      There is literatue in most porn mags aimed at men. The badly written stories are hilarious! My favorite new sexual saying is “hot beef injection,” found on the pages of some porno. Yes, that was actually written. Some of the stories are actually well written in the higher end mags. My boyfriend’s roommate always has porno mags floating around so for a female I see much more of it than usual.

    • Sally

      Please do not google santorum his last name is wrong!!!! And that’s not from ready 50 shades of dullness

    • peter18442

      Actually there is! Google Dawn of Time by Crimson Dragon. Much better than 50 Shades. It will blow you away! Unfortunately it is quite hard to find recently. But it’s worth it.