When Harry Styles from One Direction was born in 1994, I could already read chapter books, tie my own shoes and stay up until 8:00 P.M. But that makes sense because I’m 6 years older than him. What doesn’t make sense is why looking at a video of him running around in his underwear makes me feel so middle-aged. It’s hard to believe that last week’s topless swimming photos made me feel so ancient, because compared to this underwear one, they’re as innocent as a child’s lemonade stand.
While I’m sure this very same video made teenage girls around the country grow an extra vagina, it made me want to watch C-SPAN or NOVA or really anything to erase that image from my mind. Knowing how crazy this video makes teen girls only makes me feel incredibly old.
He looks so young, like a baby. Sure a baby who happens to have abs and wear designer underwear, but still a baby. I feel like the dorky mom at a house party who insists that everyone keep their clothes on and play a wholesome game like scrabble or go fish. I feel like I want to go into that video and tell him that he’s going to regret strutting around almost naked in a few years. I want to sit him down and give him a lecture full of outdated phrases and meaningless metaphors.
I want to tell him to stop letting his band mate Zayn Malik say things like:
”He really likes being naked in general. He just likes taking all his clothes off. Totally, completely butt naked.”
And his band mate Louis Tomlinson to stop saying things like this:
“Harry likes to be naked all the time. He got a hefty fine in Sweden for walking around butt naked.”
For God’s sake, have some modesty Harry. Leave something to the imagination. Give the girls something to dream about and not something to orgasm over. You’re only young once, but everything in print lasts forever. If you give it all up now, you’ll turn into someone like Nick Carter. A former hottie currently wearing fedoras in public and accepting guest roles on 90210.
And your hair is much too good to ever let something like that happen. So put your pants back on, please. Pretty please. I’ll even let you stay up past your bed time.