I’m all about indulging on guilty pleasures on TV and therefore I could easily spend an entire Sunday mindlessly watching Toddlers & Tiaras. However I could barely spend 30 minutes watching the series premiere of the 7-year-old “retired” pagent queen Eden Wood’s new reality show Eden’s World.
Before the days of Honey Boo Boo Child, Eden Wood reigned supreme in Toddlers & Tiaras contestants who turned into a mini reality stars. Her little quips and little songs entertained us and we tuned in to watch her absoulte ridiculouness. Five minutes of Eden Wood here, five minutes of Eden Wood there. It was the ideal amount of Eden Wood.
But someone saw something special in the little girl and decided to give her a 30-minute reality show. Unfortunately they didn’t see the something special that Eden Wood’s mother, Mickey Wood, thinks they saw. They saw a toddler trainwreck. A child perfect for TV clips and morning show talking points. A pint-size TV personality sure to shock and outrage everyone.
You only have to watch one scene in Eden’s World to see the entire show’s thesis. Eden’s manager books her an audition with a music executive at A&M so she can show off her skills. However, as well all know, Eden Wood doesn’t actually have skills. “Cutie Patootie” isn’t a good song and Eden Wood doesn’t have a good voice. She’s 7, so that’s completely okay. She has plenty of time to figure out what she is good at in life and pursue that with a passion. But right now she’s being told that she’s a talented singer.
She jumps on top of the table at the meeting, kicks off her performance with some kind of air humping and then proceeds to sing “Cutie Patootie.” It’s a cringe-inducing spectacle and you see the disgust in the music exectuive’s face. Eden Wood is not a child prodigy. She’s a 7-year-old being egged on by her mother and managers to become famous. Air grinding might be a hit on the stages at Toddlers & Tiaras, but it’s certainly not one in the real music world.
Mickey Wood might be that ignorant and Eden Wood’s managers might be that ignorant, but the producers of the show definitely aren’t. These are exactly the kind of scenes they wanted in the show. These scenes that make you squirm. They make you squirm so much that you talk about it with your friends the next day and talk about it online.
They don’t care about Eden Wood and they don’t care about her career. They care about making good TV. Unfortunately Eden Wood doesn’t know that. She thinks she’s a star. And it’s clear to see that it will take years of therapy to make up for the fact that so many people misled her into believing that during her childhood.
While the clip of “Cutie Patootie” isn’t up yet from Eden’s World, here’s the song’s debut on The Talk last year: