I’m fascinated by the Ridiculously Photogenic Guy. At first, I thought the hubbub over him was stupid because there are ridiculously photogenic people all over the place. For example, Jon Hamm, Ryan Gosling, and January Jones are all ridiculously photogenic.
But then I realized all of the people I could name that were ridiculously photogenic were celebrities. And, as we all know, regular people are ugly. We take terrible pictures at our cousin’s bar mitzvah where our smile is crooked and it looks like we’re sneezing even though we aren’t. So, it was nice to see such a photogenic regular person for a change. (He’s even photogenic on TV!)
But then, I thought, this guy’s even more photogenic than celebrities because if the National Enquirer has taught us anything it’s that Nostradamus says the world’s about to end. Also, that if you want to see celebrities look terrible, take pictures of them while they’re running. And, if this guy looks great while running, via the transitive property, he is more photogenic than celebrities. (Seriously, look at his photos)
I know I wouldn’t look that good if you took a picture of me while I was running. In fact, if someone took a picture of me during a 10K, they’d get a nice shot of a hilariously scrawny guy leaning over a guardrail vomiting into a patch of grass. Let’s see a bunch of memes for that. “Went to run 5 miles. Ate too much ice cream and worked out too little beforehand.” Picture an ostrich in spandex vomiting onto his “Alaska, The Great Land,” t-shirt. It would look like that.
This photogenetic fellow though, whose real name is Zeddie Watkins Little, had perfectly coiffed hair and zero sweat stains on his shirt. And if you’re saying, “Hey, that name sounds familiar,” it’s only because that’s how most people refer to their grandma. “Hey Grandma Zeddie, there’s some other Zeddie who’s way better looking than you. And guess what? He’s a dude.”
So, after inspecting this dude’s picture over and over I wondered if there was a way to make him nonphotogenic. Could I, by adding certain features to his face, turn him into a nonphotogenic fellow? Here were my findings.
Add Heavy Eye Make Up: Nobody looks good in incredibly heavy eye makeup. That’s gotta work, right? No! I wouldn’t work. Dammit. His heavy eye makeup would only draw our eyes to his and we’d get lost in the warm, soothing pool of his gaze.
Verdict: Still Ridiculously Photogenic.
Add Large Rimmed Glasses and a Moustache: Only a few people can really pull this look off, and most of them end up looking pretentious. This is definitely the look that drags him down. Am I correct? No! Absolutely not! Instead of turning him into a nonphotogenic pretentious snob, he just looks more intelligent and wise, which really just makes him even more attractive. He would be unstoppable.
Verdict: Still Ridiculously Photogenic plus Ridiculously yet Modestly Intellectual.
Add Bag Covering Face: This has to work right? I mean, how can someone be photogenic if you can’t see their face? So, this has to be the one. Wrong! Still doesn’t work. If you put a bag over the Ridiculously Photogenic Guy’s face during his run, he would pass out. And if he passed out, someone would rush to his side and take the bag off his head, revealing his ridiculously photogenic face. Then, someone would take a picture of him being taken from the race on a gurney, and he’d receive the same reception for being ridiculously photogenic, plus he’d be ridiculously sympathized for, and that’s the worst combination of them all.
Verdict: Still Ridiculously Photogenic plus Ridiculously Sympathized For.
Clearly, it can’t be done. He’s so ridiculously photogenic (and his dog is so ridiculously photogenic) that any attempt to make him nonphotogenic just makes him more likeable. It’s a futile practice, but I’ll keep marching on, and while I’m marching, maybe someone will take a picture of me, and I’ll become famous.