The first lesson you learn as a blogger is that every single commenter on the Internet hates you. You’re always wrong, you’re always jealous, you’re always ugly and you’re always going to live in your parents’ basement while all the celebrities you write about go on to be more successful than you can ever hope to be.
That’s just the nature of the Internet. For every wonderful article you write, a random person with a hotmail address will dissect it sentence by sentence and tell you what a horrible person you are — and they’ll tell you by using their/they’re/there incorrectly throughout their comment. And if you’re lucky, they’ll mix in a few numbers, but that’s only if some1 really cares about you.
After writing for the Internet for 3 days, it becomes instantly clear which celebrities have the most loyal fans. The fans who will attack you for anything that’s not a glowing review of their idol. The fans who will not present any kind of coherent response to what you wrote, but instead attack your character, your career and your name. Yes your name. Commenters love to start off an argument with provocative statements like, “who is JENNI MAIER to judge? Some poor journalist who wants to work for the The New York Times, but now writes shitty articles online!”
For the record, despite what commenters may say about me, I never aspired to be a hard-hitting fact-checking journalist. This is not a last resort career for me and I’m not sure why they’re so insistent on accusing me of this epic career failure.
Rather than go home and cry in my pillow because I’m not successful (as some commenters have suggested I do), I now write posts with these extra-excitable fans in mind. They all have their own unique brand of insults and they’re all wonderful at keeping my ego in check.
So with no further ado, please meet my favorite fans to troll.