Looking At Topless Photos Of One Direction Makes Me Feel Really Old

One Direction mania’s officially here. After the boy band debuted their US album at #1 last month, they’re all anyone can talk about. Suddenly we know their names — Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan — and their gossip. Just a little over a month again I would have said a “a what!?” if you asked me if Zayn Malik was hot.

Now I not only know what a Zayn Malik is, but also that he, along with the rest of his band members, are banned from having sex. I know Harry Styles is the only one getting ass because he’s officially dating Lily Halpern and I know that their fan base is called the 1D family. I know all that now.

You know what I didn’t need to know? What the boys look like topless. Unfortch, they didn’t ask me before going on a shirtless boat trip in Australia. It’s not that topless men make me uncomfortable. It’s that topless boys make me feel like I’m a million years old. On one hand, their pubescent bodies bring back awkward memories of middle school pool parties and fighting with my mom about whether my tankini showed too much skin. On the other other hand I feel like those pool parties were ages ago and i’m practically geriatric compared to the boys of One Direction. They just look so young!

And it’s making me realize that I’m only going to keep getting older as pop stars stay the same age. They’ll always be in their late teens and I’ll always be aging. If I feel old looking at 18-year-old boys now, I can’t even imagine what I’ll feel like when I have kids. Is this how my parents felt when I made them escort myself and 16 of my screaming friends to Backstreet Boys concerts? Did they feel like ancient mummies with no idea what was happening or why their daugther was crying over a nonsensical love song.

Because that’s how I feel when I watch girls freak out over One Direction, that’s how I feel when these topless photos start circulating all over the Internet. I feel like I’m reading a 7th grader’s diary and as fun as that sound, it doesn’t feel good.

So until I come to terms with my newfound oldness, I request all pop stars younger than me keep their clothes on. The least they can do is respect the wishes of their elders. Just until I figure out if I want to go the botox route or age au natural.

(Photo: Just Jared)

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