• Mon, Apr 9 2012

Great Work Ladies: We Successfully Sexiled Jesse James Into Retiring His Penis

Phenomenal news women of the world. We’ve done good. Notorious douchebag king Jesse James told USA Today that’s he’s content being single.

“I’m just single,” says the former West Coast Chopper shop owner who became famous for marrying and then cheating on Sandra Bullock in 2010, only to get engaged and then split with tattoo artist Kat Von D in 2011.

“Being a single dad, I don’t really have a place for it,” he says. His life, he says, “was blown apart by a big atom bomb.” And that “made me realize what’s really important. I don’t, like, hate women or anything, I just really honestly have been in a relationship since 1990. I need to like devote myself to my kids and my shop and my skills and make stuff.”

If you’re wearing your read-between-the-lines glasses, then you’ll see that what he’s really saying is “I can’t find anyone to sex me up. Not one soul will sleep with me. Even my hand looks at my penis and rejects it.”

Considering his track record of cheating on Sandra Bullock with approximately 9000 women, this is impressive on behalf of all the females in the world. It’s as if everyone’s vaginas turned the front lights off and pretended that no one was home when he came a-knocking.

Also, “I don’t, like, hate women or anything” seems unnecessary to say. No one ever accused him of hating women, people accused him of loving himself more than he ever loved any woman. How else can you justify that much cheating?

Unfortunately despite all our collective hard work to banish him forever, Jesse James is still employed. The same USA Today article says:

The former Monster Garage reality show star is back on Discovery with a new special, Jesse James: Outlaw Garage, airing tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT. In it, he challenges his crew with rebuilding a 1932 Ford roadster in 30 days, a job that would normally take a year. He hopes that it will become a 20-episode series for Discovery.

Maybe all of  us women-folk can now grab all the men-folk and turn off his special. Then he’ll really be out of our lives and have all the time he needs to focus on his family.

(Photo: Technorati)

Share This Post: