Titanic 3D premieres today in theaters and I’m already in a metaphorical lifeboat, trying to row as far away from that disaster as possible. And by that disaster I obviously mean Rose Dewitt Bukater Hockley Dawson. The red-headed aristocrat who spent the entire movie ruining Jack’s life because she’s going through some kind of quarter-life crisis at the worst possible time. It’s the world’s greatest ship Rose, not the world’s biggest therapy couch.
The entire movie can be summed up by Rose just saying “woe is me” over and over again while a rain cloud follows her around the first class deck. We all feel soooo just horrible for the girl traveling across the Atlantic in a first-class suite. Let’s all cry together in the one-of-a-kind onboard Turkish baths that were only available to first-class passengers.
Seriously, in all my years of knowing horrible, catty and backstabbing women, I’ve never encountered anyone as selfish as Rose. And I lived in Murray Hill after college, so that’s saying a lot. While everyone fondly remembers watching the movie and spooning with the 2-VHS box-set, I remember thinking that Rose wasn’t some valiant heroine who gave up all her money for love, she was a spoiled teenager freaking out about going into the real world. Been there, done that and I didn’t drop anyone into the Atlantic Ocean along the way.
Think I’m overreacting? Let’s go back to the beginning of the movie. (Advance warning: I’ve watched the movie out of order for the past 10 years on TBS so if anything is not chronologically correct, please send a handwritten letter with the corrections to the Crushable offices.)
The movie starts with Rose bolting away from dinner so she can “kill herself”, rather than deal with all the pressures of her overprivleged life. It’s the modern day equivalent of a teenage girl shooting her father for asking her to put her napkin on her lap while they’re eating at the most expensive restaurant in the world. Ahh, the pressures of being rich and entitled.
Like a Facebook status that says “bad day, sad face” Rose lingers on the railing of the ship waiting for attention. And who walks by? Poor Jack Dawson. Jack, who probably could have swam to shore from that iceberg, runs into his destiny trying to kill herself. He convinces her not to do it and saves her life. His reward for saving his life? Dinner with her family who she hates. What kind of passive aggressive move is that? She’s bored with her life and wants to entertain herself by inviting someone from steerage to dinner. Let’s all laugh when he uses the wrong fork.
Then, when she’s tired of the pauper & the prince prank, she goes down to steerage to play with the fun-loving-no-money-having poor people. Despite this being Jack’s world, she shows off in the most aristocratic way possible — by using her pointe ballet skills to stand on her tippy toes. It’s like she feels suffocated when she goes for two minutes without attention. It’s always “me me me” with Rose.
After she’s done demonstrating her extracurricular activities to people who worked in factories all their life, she retires back to her first class cabins, leaving Jack to sleep in a bunk bed. When Jack starts to pursue her the following day, she acts uninterested because she’s already bored with the guy. Until of course, her mother and Cal forbid her to see him again. Then it’s all “Jack, Jack wherefore art thou Jack?”