I Hope Rose Is Less Selfish In Titanic 3D

Titanic 3D premieres today in theaters and I’m already in a metaphorical lifeboat, trying to row as far away from that disaster as possible. And by that disaster I obviously mean Rose Dewitt Bukater Hockley Dawson. The red-headed aristocrat who spent the entire movie ruining Jack’s life because she’s going through some kind of quarter-life crisis at the worst possible time. It’s the world’s greatest ship Rose, not the world’s biggest therapy couch.

The entire movie can be summed up by Rose just saying “woe is me” over and over again while a rain cloud follows her around the first class deck. We all feel soooo just horrible for the girl traveling across the Atlantic in a first-class suite. Let’s all cry together in the one-of-a-kind onboard Turkish baths that were only available to first-class passengers.

Seriously, in all my years of knowing horrible, catty and backstabbing women, I’ve never encountered anyone as selfish as Rose. And I lived in Murray Hill after college, so that’s saying a lot. While everyone fondly remembers  watching the movie and spooning with the 2-VHS box-set, I remember thinking that Rose wasn’t some valiant heroine who gave up all her money for love, she was a spoiled teenager  freaking out about going into the real world. Been there, done that and I didn’t drop anyone  into the Atlantic Ocean along the way.

Think I’m overreacting? Let’s go back to the beginning of the movie. (Advance warning: I’ve watched the movie out of order for the past 10 years on TBS so if anything is not chronologically correct, please send a handwritten letter with the corrections to the Crushable offices.)

The movie starts with Rose bolting away from dinner so she can “kill herself”, rather than deal with all the pressures of her overprivleged life. It’s the modern day equivalent of a teenage girl shooting her father for asking her to put her napkin on her lap while they’re eating at the most expensive restaurant in the world. Ahh, the pressures of being rich and entitled.

Like a Facebook status that says “bad day, sad face” Rose lingers on the railing of the ship waiting for attention. And who walks by? Poor Jack Dawson. Jack, who probably could have swam to shore from that iceberg, runs into his destiny trying to kill herself. He convinces her not to do it and saves her life. His reward for saving his life? Dinner with her family who she hates. What kind of passive aggressive move is that? She’s bored with her life and wants to entertain herself by inviting someone from steerage to dinner. Let’s all laugh when he uses the wrong fork.

Then, when she’s tired of the  pauper & the prince prank, she goes down to steerage to play with the fun-loving-no-money-having poor people. Despite this being Jack’s world, she shows off in the most aristocratic way possible — by using her pointe ballet skills to stand on her tippy toes. It’s like she feels suffocated when she goes for two minutes without attention. It’s always “me me me” with Rose.

After she’s done demonstrating her extracurricular activities to people who worked in factories all their life, she retires back to her first class cabins, leaving Jack to sleep in a bunk bed. When Jack starts to pursue her the following day, she acts uninterested because she’s already bored with the guy. Until of course, her mother and Cal forbid her to see him again. Then it’s all “Jack, Jack wherefore art thou Jack?”

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    • Jessie

      I also always wonder about the poor shlub she married and had babies with. Did he know he was second fiddle? Is HE waiting for her in his own heaven somewhere, jilted in the afterlife? It’s like an episode of The Bachelorette: Sudden Death at Sea.

      • Lily

        Exactly! I can’t believe she NEVER told her family this INSANE story.

    • Eileen

      Oh, and I’m sure the average seventeen-year-old girl would have been SOOOOO much more mature. She acted like a spoiled teenaged girl because that’s what she was. (And dinner with her family wasn’t her idea, anyway; it was Cal’s. Who, it’s implied, is violent with her and has coerced her into sex. They never said she was emotionally stable.)

    • Geraldine

      Haha! This is hilarious! “Rose of course gets to safety, because she’s the kind of selfish bitch who always has things work out for her in the end.” So true, Rose was very very annoying. Especially when showing off her pointe skills.

    • Finley

      So at the start i was laughing, then was angry, thinking…serious, love its a movie, its not just going to be “poor little rich girl. Oh no and ice berg, gosh its cold out.” Y CALIFORNIAN NO COME TO RESCUE? :(

      Its got to have some drama..
      ALSO, im pretty sure the seats in the lovely 1912s car were leather, seemed that to me… or some kind of suede, either way, the car will be a bit wet like 20 mins later anyway, total rite off!! if i were the owner, i’d be wanting my like $30 back for the car, no one wants a wanter logged car!!

      and then i was crying just thinking about the bit where jack dies :( soo sad!
      last thing, if rose had of moved over, she door/wall finishing, would not have been able to stay afloat with the both of them on it, well it MAY have but with great difficulty getting onto it, with impared mobility skills it would be like trying to climb a slide with rollerblades on.

      But either way, was a good post indeed :)

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    • LOP

      what??? you miss the whole point! Rose is like that because of her education and in those times it was incredible difficult and brave to act as she did, being a women

    • liz

      This post gave me a good laugh. Have been watching Titanic lately and realizing some rather unflattering things about Rose’s personality. I was about Rose’s age when the movie first came out and like most everyone else thought it was ‘Romeo & Juliet’ meets ‘The Poseidon Adventure’ :) I admired Rose’s courage to change her life and thought she and Jack’s love something of beauty.
      15 years later and I’m looking at their little teen romance through adult eyes and weighing the likelihood of their love affair having actually lasted had they both survived the disaster.
      Rose does come across as quite selfish and Jack is at best a Marty Stu character.
      I found this witty and fun. I hope, like myself, that seeing Rose in a new light hasn’t ruined your ability to enjoy ‘Titanic’. I know I still think it’s a good movie even though I no longer think of it as the love story of the century. Then again, neither is ‘Romeo & Juliet’. Theirs is the tale of two teenagers who managed to get several people killed in less than a week :)

      • Jenni

        Oh I still watch it every time it’s on TV, I just don’t cheer for Rose.

    • Lexi B.

      What about the fact that she risked her life when the ship was sinking so she could un-cuff jack so he wouldn’t drown? Also, when she says she will ‘never let go’, shes referring to the promise Jack asked her not to let go of! The one where she would grow up, die an old lady, have children, etc. She was suffocating in a life she didn’t want to live. She wasnt allowed to make her own decisions, imagine being engaged to an abusive man you dont love, with no way out! Jack showed her the life she could lead, and the life she could have with a man she truly loved!

    • Amy

      I don’t know why I just wasted my time reading this thread. It actually made me laugh at how idiotic it is. You literally have no idea what the movie is actually about. True Rose is having some rich girl life crisis but other than that you couldn’t be more wrong. She never invited Jack to dinner to laugh at him. She never went down the 3rd class party to rub in their face how rich she is, since she hates it herself. Also she’s clearly drunk at the party so I’m gonna go ahead and say she was having fun and not trying to be snooty or whatever it is you think she was being. I don’t know where you got the whole Rose being jealous over other french girls idea but that’s not what happened at all. It’s a moment her and Jack share that intimate. And you’ve got to be kidding me about the sex scene. IT’S A ROMANTIC MOVIE WHY WOULD THEY CARE ABOUT THE UPHOLSTERY. IT’S NOT REAL LIFE. The door that was keeping her afloat was to light to keep them both up as you can see when both of them try to climb on. Clearly Jack rather save his loved one than himself. The final thing you’re wrong about which is the biggest one is the promise Rose made to Jack. She wasn’t promising to never let go of his hand. Jack made Rose promise to never give up and survive. That’s when he said “Never let go.” Think about it, does it make sense that Jack wants Rose to never let go of his hand when he’s telling her to survive. I just don’t understand how a person who has never seen the movie in order or the actual DVD instead of on TV can rant about a movie.

    • Stephanie

      While I loved Titanic and thought James Cameron was brilliant in creating it, I can totally see where you’re coming from. I laughed out loud while reading your piece!