The classic scenario is playing itself out again this week: when the lord giveth, he taketh away, which is either a line from the bible, or an old Chris Rock joke. First, this week, the lord gaveth back to us. Lindsey Lohan got off probation vowing that she’d never be in front of a judge again. Though, I have a feeling she’s lying. After all, it’s only a matter of time before she finds herself in front of a judge on an episode of Law & Order. Nonetheless, good for her. She’s turned her life around, and is going to be released back into the wild to, I assume, ruin otherwise fine episodes of SNL.
Then, as the adage goes, the lord’s takingeth away. I am, of course, referring to Justin Bieber. Bieber’s been unchained. He’s bouncing off the walls this week. You might be saying, “Harry, you’re so right.” Well, thank you. You didn’t have to say anything. I appreciate it. Bieber, dare I say, is the next Lindsey Lohan. And I don’t mean he’s going to play his own twin in a movie or that he’s going to get a boob job. What I mean is he’s just next in a long line of young celebrities in the prime of their young careers who threw it all away to the seductive world of Hollywood debauchery and tomfoolery. And, it’s sad to see.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll explain. On Tuesday, Bieber was threatened with a lawsuit after he tweeted his phone number earlier this month asking people to call him. And by his phone number, I mean not his phone number. So, the couple in Texas who was getting all those calls meant for Justin Bieber is threatening to sue.
Oh, Bieber, I see right through you. Some might say this is just a teenage boy having a little fun, but I say nay. Bieber’s turning into a bad boy. For so many years, Bieber’s been the bastion of purity in the pop music world, and now he’s turning his rebellious back to it all. I mean, he’s already dating an older woman. That’s what rebellious dudes do. Next thing you know, he’s gonna start gelling his hair and wearing leather and smoking cigarettes and saying things like, “Hmm,” as he smiles ironically and puts on his dark sunglasses. From, there who knows what’ll happen?
It’s only the first step. He’s starting slow with a little twitter prank. He wants people to think, “How should Bieber have known this prank was going to make someone’s home phone ring nonstop for three days? I mean, who even has a home phone anymore?” But I can see past that. Bieber can’t fool me. You’ll see. First you’re making prank phone calls. Then, you’re putting flaming bags of poop on people’s porches, and the next thing you know, you’re looking two to fours years in prison right in the eye after you run through Hollywood naked waving a pair of nunchucks above your head. Believe me. I’ve been there. It’s happened a billion times.
If we are the Bieber-loving nation I think we are, we need to help him right now. We need to talk to him before it’s too late, before he’s just another James Dean. Because right now, he’s the Canadian Taylor Swift and we all love him for it. So, let’s do it. Let’s help the Biebs out because clearly he’s in need.
Since it was my idea, I’ll start. I’ll give him a call. Does anyone have his phone number?