Last night at midnight, Justin Bieber dropped his new single ’Boyfriend‘ and caused 14 million tween girls to simultaneously go through puberty. While they tweeted. Yes, that’s right. With every new Bieber tweet, a girl lost her training bra. There’s no scientific explanation, you have just have to beliebe in magic.
While at first I dismissed the song as teenage pop garbage, I listened to it again this morning and realized it was much more than a song. It is the blueprint to love. It’s the missing piece in my life of failed relationships and guys who “accidentally” take my wrong number. It’s the online dating profile I could never put into words.
His lyrics speak to me like we’re in some kind of private therapy session where co-pays don’t exist. Just looks at this poetry:
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go
I can take you places you ain’t never been before
Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know
I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow
Swag swag swag, on you
Chillin by the fire why we eatin’ fondue
The guy offers swag, loyalty and most impressively fondue by the fire. It’s almost like Bieber hacked into my old Xanga account and read my dream date diary. I’m half-tempted right now to hate-tweet Selena Gomez out of jealously. The other half of me wants to ask her more about this fondue. Cheese? Meat? Dessert? All three?
She’s clearly living the life as Justin Bieber’s girlfriend and I’m envious of her good fortune. But rather than her burn Justin Bieber’s name into my forearm and curse her happiness, I’m going to write down these lyrics and repeat them everyday. Any guy who doesn’t make the same promises, doesn’t deserve my time.
I want loyalty, I want swag and I want fondue by the fire — and I’m not standing for anyone who doesn’t offer me all three.