You know what’s better than thug life? Try space life. Yep, I said it. Last night Ashton Kutcher took Rihanna on a metaphorical ride to the moon and back. Or so that’s they want you to believe when it comes to their little midnight rendezvous.
Here’s what we know. Rihanna showed up to Ashton Kutcher’s bachelor pad at midnight last night and didn’t leave until 4 am. How do we know that?
The 23-year-old was spied pulling up to Two and a Half Men star Ashton’s $10 million Los Angeles property at 12am this morning, accompanied by several security guards. Perhaps RiRi thought she would not be seen at such a late time but there were hoards of paparazzi awaiting her arrival.
Yes hoards of paparazzi awaited her arrival (How many paparazzi does it take to qualify for a hoard? Six dozen.) and caught her midnight sex romp on camera. Or they at least caught her coming in and out of the house and assumed that those two events bookmarked a crazy four-hour sex romp where Ashton made all kinds of promises like, “I’ll bring you back a moon rock” and “yeah baby, I’ll tell you what it feels like to go to the bathroom in a zero gravity spaceship.”
The only problem with this whole story is that it’s being called a sleepover by the media. Have these reporters ever been to a sleepover? Rihanna looks incredibly unprepared to spend the night. No sleeping bag, no toothbrush, no ouija board. It would be the worst sleepover ever, and that’s not even factoring in that Ashton Kutcher would be there.
Also she left at 4 am. If it was a real sleepover that would be incredibly rude. Also there’s now way her mom would agree to pick her up at that time of night.
So for now let’s call it what it is: Ashton Kutcher’s goodbye to earth sex.