Each year, just in time for spring, Crushable releases its top 25 Crushable Guys Under the Age of 25 list. I’m told the purpose of this list is to tell you about the 25 men you should be thinking about while showering for the next year. At least, that’s what I’m told. Only a rumor. Well, too bad, ladies at Crushable. I have my own list that for some reason never gets that much attention. It’s my annual countdown of the 75 Spine-tingling, Hip-Displacing Ladies Over the Age of 75. I guess you ladies were a little slow to the drawing board with your list. Much in the way the geriatrics on my list are slow to any drawing board. Hurry up, Granny! I don’t have all day.
As always, Betty White topped my list for, let’s see, the 25th year in a row, and coming in second for the 3rd straight year was that lady who dead at the beginning of Up. Heartwrenching stuff from a great actress. Coming in third on my list and, I believe, 14th on Crushable’s list was Cher. She’s 75, right?
Actually, I’ve never been a fan of these sorts of lists. Every time a guy looks at a list like this one, all it makes him do is hate the people on that list. Like when the list of the sexiest men in the world comes out, we sit around on the couch, leafing through People Magazine saying to ourselves, “This is stupid. I’m sexier than Hugh Jackman. It’s just that no one in the celebrity world’s ever seen me.”
Then, a glob of mustard that had been hanging off our lips for three hours drops onto the sweatshirts we’ve been wearing for four straight days, and we bemoan the fact that George Clooney has a girlfriend and we don’t. It’s the circle of life. In that, we quickly put the glob of mustard back in our mouth.
Plus, it’s all very judgmental. I mean, leave it to a bunch of women to make a list and then order it based purely upon how something looks and a number of other highly subjective criteria that amount to nothing more than wild conjecture.
Oh, that reminds me, how’s my NCAA tournament bracket doing? Wait. There’s something. I have plenty of lady friends who fill out their brackets based on absolutely nothing. For example, my mom fills out her bracket based on the team that has the most motherly mascot, and my sister fills out her bracket based on who wins each game during the tournament. She always wins our family pool. I can’t blame them either for doing this either, and I’m not even saying it’s a bad thing. They just want to get in on the fun. Well, me too.
Sure, I’ve got my list of 75 old ladies, but that’s not enough. I’m going to rerank the 25 Crushable Guys Under 25 list right now, off the top of my head:
25: Taylor Lautner – He’s that guy from one of those movies with the mythic creatures, right?
24: Ezra Miller – He has, ahh, you know, umm…a face. Yeah. A face.
23: Tim Tebow: I know who this is. I don’t like that.
Ah, no. 25 people? That’s so many. I can’t do it. Plus, there’s a great NCAA tournament game on right now, and I have to go make a big deal out of a completely different list.