But sadly Tim Riggin’s nipples stole the show. Not because they were hanging out the entire time for all of Mars to see, but because the script and subsequent acting of the script made me fall asleep. Literally, I took a twenty minute nap because I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.
Rather than attempting to make any sense of the plot or build any character depth, it just presented a story that made little to no sense. In one sentence: a civil war soldier on the run from Apaches finds a portal to Mars and uses his ability to jump high to defeat the evildoers, bring peace to the planet and marry the princess. If you see the movie, you will not learn anything beyond what I just told you.
Worse than the movie though was the audience. Imagine sitting in front of Snooki and Snooki Jr. during a movie. Because that’s what I did last night. Before the movie even started I got to listen to great parenting lines like, “don’t make me regret bringing you to this movie. If you don’t wake up on time for school tomorrow, I’m going to Casey Anthony you!” I know I’m out of the parenting loop, but I really had no idea that we’re using Casey Anthony as a verb now. It’s charming.
Then next to the Teen Mom audition was that woman. You know the woman who feels obligated to narrate the entire film to no one in particular.
“Oh he’s on Mars now.”
“Oh SHIT, those things are not human.”
“Jump!” (I’ll give it to her here because he did jump right after she said that.)
“Oh damn, he’s still alive!”
And my personal favorite when someone asked me which seat next to me was open (spoiler alert: they both were!).
“Oh she’s here alone!”
Like, thank you for telling everyone I’m alone at the movies. As if this entire experience hadn’t already convinced me to go home and give all my money to eHarmony, the look of pity and shame from my fellow movie goes was enough to make me sign up right then and there.
So yeah, in conclusion that’s the best time I saw John Carter alone. I wouldn’t say I recommend doing the same, but I also couldn’t say you should take anyone with you and expect to leave with a clear conscience. The most glowing review I heard when I left the theater was “c’mon, it wasn’t as bad as everyone’s saying.”