The Best Time That I Saw John Carter Alone

Last night I had the pleasure and delight of taking myself to one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Even though I tried my hardest to be a good date to myself, I can’t lie and pretend like I didn’t fall asleep during the highly anticipated 3-D battle scene. But just like John Carter, let me start the story from the very beginning and add in unnecessary details that will never matter to the overall plot.

We received press passes to go see John Carter at Crushable and I agreed to see the movie so I could see what all the hype was about and if it was worth telling our readers to go. However, despite having a plus one screening pass, I could not convince one person to come with me. Conversations went one of two ways:

1. Why would I want to see John Carter with you? Did he go to school with us? Was he in a frat? Oh, is that your new dentist that you were telling me about? Either way, no, I’m busy.

2.  Um maybe, let me look at the trailer. (5 hours later) Actually, I’m going to pass doesnt’ really look like it’s my thing. But have fun! Tim Riggins topless, woooo.”

Let me tell you something right now. Tim Riggins (Taylor Kitsch) topless is entertaining for all of three minutes. Then it’s like, okay, get your 3D nipples out of my face. Thanks to J-Lo’s nip slip at the Oscars, I’ve seen enough pro-bono areola this year.

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