After days of wondering when Snooki was going to make her baby bump and engagement to Jionni LaValle official, she finally broke the news today in Us Weekly with the extremely motherly line “OMG I’m pregnant.” Never before has a celebrity pregnancy announcement elicited so many emotions from me at once. Fear, nervousness, apprehension, terror all come immediately to mind and I won’t be able to sort out of the rest of the confusion until I meet with my therapist.
It only gets worse when you see quotes like this from Snooki:
“The once pouf-haired star and LaValle discovered the news “right after New Year’s,” she said. Snooki’s first thought? ”S–t, I’ve been drinking!’ I was worried. It was New Year’s Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy.’ she admits.”
While we may have had our doubts and fears about other questionable celebrity mothers, we’ve never witnessed a train wreck go from the Jersey Shore to the delivery room in quite this way. And now we’re nervous not only for the baby, but also for ourselves. Are we going to have to witness this child go from fetus to full-grown adult?
Will MTV’s new show go from a guido Sex and the City to a guido Three Men, A Baby and a Tanning Bed? Does Snooki know self-tanner is not an adequate replacement for breast milk? Does Snooki even know where babies come out of?
So many questions, so few answers. For the first time in a long time, I feel compelled to pray. Pray for the baby and pray that MTV finds their morals under their Teen Mom DVD collection and decide not to film any of this.
Seriously MTV, if this baby’s going to have any chance, it’s going to be off camera.