• Wed, Mar 7 2012

File “Hulk Hogan” Under Sex Tape Stars You Never Want To See

Having someone shop around your sex tape is like being nominated for the People’s Choice Awards. It unfortunately happens to every celebrity at some point and you just have to make the best of the PR opportunity. Unless you’re Hulk Hogan, the latest “victim” of a “third party” shopping around his sex tape. Because then that’s just gross and no one wants to hear about it. Least of all me, at 7 AM on a Wednesday morning.

I know everyone has their own taste in celebrity sex tapes, but Hulk Hogan? The ’90s relic who mistakenly believes his handlebar mustache is iconic. The wrestler who thought it was okay to play a lead role in the 1993 gender-role-reversal film, Mr. Nanny? The father who’s ex-wife Linda Hogan looks like she’s exactly the same age as his daughter Brooke Hogan? That Hulk Hogan?

Puke in my mouth.

According to TMZ, who saw the tape, the bandanna-wearing 50-year old apparently, “pulls his shirt off and brags to his companion, “I started to work out again.” Cool Hulk! Way to fit a work-out into your very busy schedule of being married to someone who looks like she emerged from the joint womb of your daughter and ex-wife.

And in case you’re not physically ill yet from the thought of Hulk copulating on film, TMZ also noted that he has a thong-shaped tan line. So it’s an all around unsavory story no matter how you look at it.

Let’s just pray no one buys it and we aren’t stuck seeing grainy stills on the Internet in a few weeks. My imagination already told me all I need to know.

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