6 Philosophical Questions I Have After Watching Real Housewives of Orange County

1. Is Tamra pregnant or just hungover?

 Tamra gets “wasted, naked wasted” on the trip to Catalina and is throwing up in the bathroom of the boat they’re taking to get back to shore. From the looks of the footage (and from what Tamra and Eddie say), alcohol was the main culprit in their lover’s quarrel. So it’s assumed that she’s just on Struggle Street on the boat, but then she also shows up to Heather’s painting party with a stomach bug. They immediately ask her if she’s pregnant. Her response: “I hope not!” Well, homegirl, you should probably figure that out. I am going to go ahead and say she is not with child.

 2.  What qualifies a couple to be out of the honeymoon stage?

 Now we’re still on Catalina Island, and Tamra and Eddie are still drunkenly crying and fighting. They seriously sound like two teenagers at a prom after party, and I wanted to vomit. But as they argue and make weird allusions about how one of them is a hot dog stand and the other is a taco stand, Tamra says, “The honeymoon phase is definitely over.” I guess once you have a drunken fight and ruin a perfectly nice vacation by playing jealousy game…yeah, it’s over.

 3.  Do blow jobs really cause wrinkles or are the houswives just old?

 We follow Tamra and Gretchen to a sex-toy shop where the store employee shows them this weird dildo-looking thing that is apparently for giving your man a good blowjob, but without you having to do any of the work. Obviously my ears perked up, but then Tamra went on to say, “Blow jobs give you wrinkles!” I mean, so does frowning and smiling and…aging. I would like to see the evidentiary support to back up this claim made by Tamra. I’m not buying it.

 4.  How pretentious is Heather?

This episode gave me an appreciation for every other housewife because I really dislike Heather. She is so uppity and pretentious and just plain snobby. Hearing her drop artists like Dali just made me roll my eyes, not appreciate her appreciation for the arts. No one cares if you know who Salvador Dali is. Go away, Heather. The way she treats the other ladies is so condescending, but I guess she’s a “professional actress” and knows a thing or two about the world.  “Well in my household, we don’t talk about private bedroom moments.” That’s not her thing, guys therefore you’re all crass whores.

 5.  Are Alexis and Vicki actually friends?

 No.  Hell no. They are both jealous that their respective BFF has been taken away from them so they ban together to hate the other girls. Gretchen made a remark to Tamra that they’re being “competitive”, which I think they were a little bit, but in all honesty, I don’t blame them for finding comfort in one another. I am all for Alexis and Vicki being fake friends for now. That is what makes reality TV what it is.

 6. Is Gretchen actually a good person with a soul?

After some tough inner debating, I am going with yes on this one. For some reason, I have a soft spot for Gretchen. The women annihilated her verbally when she first came on the show and since then has really taken strides. I know some people think she was a gold digger and stuff, but I find some sort of charm in Ms. Gretchen Rossi. I really do think she tries very hard to see the best in people (ie. her attempts to repair her relationship with Tamra). I even support her wearing white booty shorts and fluffy boots while walking her dogs. You go, Gretchen.

(Photos: BravoTV)

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