Dear Female Fetus inside Kourtney Kardashian,
First of all, I guess I should address you by your real name. While your mother hasn’t tweeted it out yet or sold that information (as of press time), I’m just going to have to guess. In grand Kardashian fashion, it will probably start with an M because your brother Mason’s name starts with M. And since your family loves spelling names a little bit differently (yep, grandma’s name is Kris with a K), it’s probably going to be something like Mneumonic or Mrebecca.
So anyways Mrebecca, congrats on your first OK Magazine story! You look awesome and I love the way you wear your mother’s uterus on the cover…looks like someone was paying attention at Fashion Week.
I just thought I would tell you a few things before your birth gets filmed in front of a live audience and you’re stuck having to pretend to smile when all you really want is someone to cut off that damn umbilical cord.
First of all, your dad, Scott Disick, is a huge tool, a giant douche and a walking piece of human shit. It’s not your fault that your mother (and the E! marketing team) has horrible taste in men. But you should know that off the bat. Also, he wants his hair to look like that. That look is intentinal. I know, take a moment and think about that.
Second, you should know your aunt Kim’s having a rough year. Actually, rough might not cover it. Your auntie Kim Kardashian’s entire career is in the hands of her ex-husband Kris Humphries and his legal team. (Don’t choke on that placenta, you read that right, Kim married someone with her mom’s name.) She might have made a little boo-boo by marrying him and divorcing him in some kind of crack-brained PR scheme gone horribly wrong.
Thirdly, you’re a reality star! It’s cool-ish. Here’s how it works: most kids only get one mom and one dad, but you get one mom, one dad, an entire camera crew and your friend Mr. Boom Mike. They’re all super friendly and only want the best for you. As long as what’s best for you is also what’s best for ratings. It’s complicated, but by the time they film your first birthday in Vegas, you’ll totally get it.
So yeah, welcome to having a sex. That’s pretty neat!
See you on a sonogram tweet,