• Fri, Feb 17 2012

Jersey Shore Field Notes 5.7: You Can Find Love At The Jersey Shore

Jersey Shore Field Notes are a detailed account of MTV’s hit show. As written by an anthropologist.

1:08: JWoww’s man Roger is upset that he trusts her “emphatically” but she doesn’t trust him “in the slightest”

2:12: JWoww expresses contrition that she was only looking at her “spoiled rotten ass’s side” of things. They make up.

3:15: Deena agrees that Roger is “like, 65 years old” and does not play “baby games.”

4:00: Snooki and Deena express regret over getting drunk and abandoning their posts at the Shore Store, decide to bake the boss Danny a “we’re sorry/don’t fire us cake” full of “meatball love.”

4:50: After realizing they forgot to put the cake in the oven, the females make a series of loud, high-pitched squeals.

6:16: The cake, now finished, sits atop the counter, but someone has taken a bite out of it! Who could the culprit be?

7:00: Accusations fly. Deena decides Mike is the one who “ate this frickin’ cake.”

8:00: Danny accepts the damaged token of apology, calling it “very cute.”

8:12: Snooki calls the doctor about her UTI.

9:00 Deena gets an airbrushed tribal tattoo while on her break and says it makes her feel “tough.”

9:45: Danny smushes (no sexo) some of the cake in Deena’s face, calls it even.

10:10: Snooki endeavors to fill out the doctor’s forms, is excited she doesn’t have rectal bleeding.

10:42: Snooki worries about her ability to refrain from alcohol while on antibiotics.

11:30: The Situation undermines the (once again absent) Meatballs’ status at the Shore Store.

12:36: The girls show up an hour late with “doctor notes.” Danny is annoyed, assigns them menial tasks, a.k.a. “retail abuse.”

13:45: The Situation denies having eaten the cake: “I don’t eat cake. I’m on a diet.” [ed. note: Holy shit, is that the excellent Chicago rock band White Mystery playing in the background? Why, yes it is!]

14:54: DJ Pauly D confesses to Deena that it was he who ate the cake: “I couldn’t help it! Don’t put a piece of cake in my house and expect me not to eat it!”

15:50: Mike is upset that he gets blamed for everything, says “the mean Mike” is about to come out.

17:00: The females primp to go to Karma. Snooki: “I look like a Jersey skank and I love it.”

18:18: The group does shots for Paula’s birthday. Snooki drinks “so much that my UTI was drunk.”

19:37: Mike announces his intentions to give Paula birthday sex to the group.

20:15: Mike says he always picks Paula over the other females. Paula says that makes her feel special.

20:50: They retreat under the covers to copulate.

21:00: Sammi says she thinks Mike likes Paula, “deep down.”

22:00: Pauly and Vinny complete the GTL trifecta, go on a lunch date. Vinny pays, makes homoerotic jokes (no homo).

23:00: Vinny loses, recovers, the car keys.

24:00: Deena is excited to hook up with a male named Joey.

24:30: Snooki continues to drink on antibiotics.

25:00: Ronnie expresses his love of dance: “I hear the music, and my feet start going. I got Gumby ankles.”

26:00: Mike suggest to Snooki that they copulate while drunk and covered in whipped cream, but Snooki would rather “go somewhere.”

26:55: Snooki says she has no idea “how to speak clock language,” wishes people would use numbers, rather than expressions, when saying what time it is.

27:10: Snooki is upset Mike is always “such a creep.” They go to the club.

28:15: Deena recognizes elements of herself in Joey; they are both “high on life.”

29:20: Pauly D sabotages Deena’s night of romance by placing dirty dishes on her bed.

30:15: Pauly denies having placed dirty dishes on Deena’s bed; Deena feels bad for accusing him.

31:00: Snooki asks Joey if he and Deena are going to “do sex”, and whether she can watch.

31:38: Snooki asks Joey if he has a condom; he does not. She sets out to find him one. Her search is fruitful.

32:19: Deena tells Joey she doesn’t do sex with randoms. They copulate.

32:40: Snooki peers in on their lovemaking.

33:20: Deena wakes up after copulation “with a great feeling.” Calls a cab for Joey.

34:00: Deena asserts that you can, indeed, fall in love at the Jersey shore.

34:18: Deena is unsure whether her back hurts from giving out her golden ticket, or from jersey turnpiking. Perhaps both. Fears she “banged my back out of alignment.”

35:22: The Situation calls his friend The Unit, discusses his plans to cause trouble.

36:00: Mike plots to tell Jionni that Snooki cheated on him with him, the Situation.

36:20: JWoww dons a revealing outfit to show Roger that “there are two big reasons” he is still with her.

37:30: Roger says he likes JWoww’s outfit, “or lack thereof…holy crap.” She explains that she bought it while angry with him.

38:11: JWoww predicts Roger will get in a fight with one of the guys who gawks at her at the club.

39:00: Pauly D has “never seen [Karma] this crazy. Like, it’s insane.”

39:40: JWoww wants to get a shirt to throw on in case she gets in a fight.

39:50: “Jenni, don’t fight,” exhorts Roger.

40:12: An unidentified male gropes JWoww. Roger punches him.

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