• Tue, Feb 14 2012

Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘Crazy Cupid Love’

Dan kisses Blair in Gossip Girl 5x15 "Crazy Cupid Love" In the early days of Hollywood, the Hays Code existed to govern what should and shouldn’t be portrayed in film. Sometimes I think there are similar rules prohibiting TV shows from ignoring Valentine’s Day. We can all agree Valentine’s Day is not Christmas, and it’s not Thanksgiving, right? It’s an invented holiday that exists solely to make people feel inadequate and provide a nice Q1 revenue boost for Hershey’s. Now I’m sure if I weren’t single right now I’d be singing a different tune, but since it’s going to be impossible for me to score a decent table for dinner tonight, I choose to be bitter. Here’s this week’s power ranking:

Character

Rank

Last Week

Trending

Comments

Georgina Sparks

1

9

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Georgina pulled more strings than Jim Hensonthis week, treating the Upper East Side like her personal shadowbox. That’s the kind of work that earns a number 1 ranking.Side note: Even if Michelle Trachtenberg turns out to be the next Meryl Streep, she’ll always be Dawn Summers to me.
Chuck Bass

2

8

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I’ve waited months for the old amoral Chuck to return. He discovers Blair’s betrayal, and immediately beds Dan’s book agent in revenge. If I had the choice to be James Bond or Chuck Bass, I could not tell you which way I’d go right now.
Nate Archibald

3

5

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Nate’s busy acting like the tortoise from that old nursery rhyme. He’s taking his time with the real Charlotte Rhodes, persisting even though she resists his charm. It’s going to be hard to watch him dump her when he finds out she’s not forty years old.
The Real Charlotte Rhodes

4

4

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The real Charlotte Rhodes is still hanging out, unsure of this new world she finds herself in. Now that she’s learned Ivy’s been impersonating her, it looks like she’s ready to make her move, and like all great Machiavellian maneuvers, it begins with a Facebook friend request.
Blair Waldorf

5

2

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What is up with Blair? She just married Louis, professed her undying to love to Chuck last week, and is now kissing Dan. She claims to be classy and sophisticated, but that kind of behavior is only suited for sex workers and Real Worldcast members.
Ivy Dickens

6

N/A

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Out of the blue, Ivy Dickens returns to NYC for reasons that remain unclear. She also appears to be caring for Lily’s mother who may be near death. Knowing Ivy’s history, she probably married her just to be included in the will.
Dan Humphrey

7

3

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The fact that Dan could only kiss Blair after being prompted by his cell phone should tell you everything you need to know about him.
Serena van der Woodsen

8

6

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This marks three consecutive losing weeks for Serena, this time watching Blair kiss the “man” she loves (the quotes here indicate irony, in that I do not believe Dan Humphrey to be any kind of man).Seriously, this should not be happening to this girl. Any minute I expect George Clooneyto swoop in and invite her to his Italian villa. Serena is on that level. Of course I’m sure she’d decline because his hair isn’t sufficiently curly.

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