I’ve never had a celebrity crush that keeps me up at night. I’ve had celebrities over whom I’m swooned and maybe set aside a day for a movie marathon, but ever since the New Kids on the Block, I’ve never crushed on a celebrity in a crazy way. Or at least not like these kids who are obsessed with Justin Bieber.
However, when I first moved to the city, I did sort of stalk Vincent Gallo for a good hour or so. I know; creepy, right? I had just seen Buffalo 66 for the first time and since his character in it reminded me of my ex-boyfriend I was sort of transfixed on Gallo for a hot minute.
One day I was walking home from work when I came around a corner onto Avenue A and heard a voice that sounded very familiar. The voice was talking loudly on the phone, and I turned to see who it was. It was Vincent Gallo. Since I was new to New York City, he was my first official celebrity sighting. These days spotting a celebrity isn’t a big deal at all, because they’re everywhere. I actually see Matt Dillon and Aziz Ansari on a fairly regular basis.
I crossed the street and watched to see where Gallo was going. After a few minutes, he took his very loud phone conversation into Odessa, a diner on Avenue A. I, being a bit of a stalker in those few minutes, followed him inside. He sat at the counter and I grabbed a table. I ordered a milkshake and waited like a tiger about to pounce. Granted, I wasn’t going to pounce; I had no intention of doing anything really except sitting there — which I did for close to an hour.
When I realized that I was wasting my time and could probably be doing something more exciting, I asked for my check. After I paid it, I wrote on the back of the receipt “Buffalo 66 is one of the best movies ever,” and slipped it into Gallo’s view, who was still on the phone, right before I left. He smiled, said “thank you,” and I left thinking that it was just a matter of time before we’d finally be together. OK, not really. But it would be fun if my brain worked in such a way. I never attempted to stalk a celebrity again, because thanks to Facebook I can stalk my ex-boyfriends instead.
Having stalked a celebrity for a whole hour, I feel that I have much to offer on the topic. It’s tricky business, stalking, but if you handle yourself appropriately, you can get away with it. Besides, you say “restraining order,” I say “papers that acknowledge you’re aware of my existence.”