Jersey Shore Field Notes are a detailed account of MTV’s hit show. As written by an anthropologist.
1:17: The Situation cannot believe he “got [redacted] blindsided like that” by Snooki, when she cheated on her mate Jionni with him.
1:35: He calls up his associate The Unit to “take care of some business” (i.e., reveal to Jionni Snooki’s infidelity). The specimen seems to be watching too many movies about his Italian heritage.
2:14: The Situation is amused that his brother slept with housemate Deena’s sister. It is likely that inter-familial mating is more common at the Jersey Shore than in other habitats.
2:38: The Situation discusses a mysterious sex talent that Deena’s sister apparently possesses. But because every signifying detail is redacted, observers are left with no clue as to the nature of this position or trick.
3:03: “Be safe,” Snooki says to her father after a parental visit. “Drink!” It’s always a tender moment when the offspring develop enough to offer advice to their parents.
3:40: JWoww demonstrates her adopted fatalism by remarking that her relationship with her mate Roger is so good, “I’m just waiting for something to happen.”
3:55: Deena kills two birds with one stone by preening (pushing up her boobs) while comforting JWoww.
4:28: Snooki fails to grasp that the reason The Situation doesn’t want to hang out with her is because they hooked up; instead, she accuses him of being antisocial.
5:00: Vinny displays his burgeoning anthropological skills by referring to their current location as “the Sweatbox” due to the gyrating specimens contained within.
5:18: JWoww appears to be caught in a catatonic state, only moving slightly to the music. Snooki and Deena devise a lap dance to entice her into some homosocial dancing, but she declines and decides to go home. She refers to something called “work in the morning,” though she must be lying because these specimens have not deciphered the meaning of a job.
6:26: Vinny has two very attractive women both attracted by his pheromones and must figure out how to juggle their attentions without drawing notice to his split attention.
7:35: Deena adopts the temporary role known as “wingwoman”: She distracts one of Vinny’s girls while he tries to speed through the courting ritual with the more attractive one.
8:30: A drunken Snooki stumbles home and crawls into bed with her stuffed animals, an indication that she still has the emotional state of a teddy bear.
8:57: Vinny discovers that his preferred girl displays homosexual tendencies. To cover his rejection, he insults her looks. This reverse psychology works, as the two walk along the boardwalk.
9:53: Deena continues to keep Vinny’s second girl on-hand, inquiring if she’s “DTF.”
10:41: The lesbian girl detaches herself from the situation.
11:10: Grainy copulation.
11:29: JWoww calls her mate Roger on the duck phone. She displays a lack of respect when he admits to taking the day off when he couldn’t recover his status object (i.e., his phone).
13:04: Snooki admits to her failings in alcohol consumption. Her self-diagnosis is a combination of a “[redacted] therapist” and “AA meetings.”
14:03: Vinny reflects that his smush with the seemingly prized girl was average at best. However, he admits that it assisted in “releasing some demons.”