A Letter From 11-Year-Old Lindsay Lohan To 25-Year-Old Lindsay Lohan

Dear Linsday:

I want you to know I saw the photos today. Those photos from that “fashion” shoot you did with Uncle Terry. Are you proud of yourself for that? I could totally see part of your nipple in two of them. It sort of creeped me out, because that’s not something I ever thought we would do. I also never thought our boobs would be so saggy at the age of 25. Have you not been wearing a bra or something? Shall I send you one from the past? I can get stamps from mom.

Every time I feel like we’re on the right track you go and do something like this. I’m not sure how many times I’ve politely suggested you stay away from those types who will lead you back down the rocky road to Crack Ville, but you refuse to listen. Do you think Terry cares about you as much as I do? No. No one cares about you, rather us, as much as I do. They all just want to exploit us, have their way with us, then throw us away! Even mom! Look at what she let Ali do to her face! She’s going to look like Joan Rivers by the time she’s our age… it totally sucks.

Look, I get that as a child star we were bound to have our ups and downs. It was almost fated to be a mess, but this is just ridiculous. I feel like you’re not even trying anymore. [tagbox tag="Lindsay-Lohan"]

Do you have any more movies lined up for us? Do you really think any studio is going to get the necessary insurance to put up with your antics? I’ve done my research on this topic, and I know for a fact that Robert Downey, Jr was not insurable for years because of his issues with drugs and jail — just like us, LiLo! Sure he’s doing well now, but he’s 46! We already look 46! If we have to wait two decades to be taken seriously as an actress again, we’re going to look 66! Do you see where I’m going with this? Actually, maybe we can get him to do an intervention, now that I think about it. We could have E! cover it. I bet they’d pay big bucks for that. I’ll have mom call him tonight.

I don’t want to tell you how to live your life. I just want you to think about me; think about us. Think about what we were, all the promise we had in our fingertips — we were really something back then. I mean, we were in a movie with Rachel McAdams and Tina Fey! Do you think that’s ever going to happen again? Not at this rate, Lindsay.

Just think about it for ol’ time sake, won’t you?

Thanks in advance.

Yours Always,

Lindsay

PS. Please go back to our natural hair color. That bleached look isn’t helping in the way of us not looking all cracked-out and cheap.

PPS. Quit smoking. It’s wrecking havoc on our freckles.

PPPS. Mom called and wants to make sure her cut of the Uncle Terry shoot is in the mail. FYI.

You can reach this post's author, Amanda Chatel, on twitter.
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