"Here's the deal: I'm in my early 40's and I'm running out of time to have a baby. My current beau won't hand over his sperm so I'm forced to troll Craiglist for it. My requirements are simply that you have all your limbs, all your teeth and are above average height. I await your goods."
It's Jennifer Aniston!
"Looking for someone more A-List than my current gal. I had thought dating her would do wonders for my career, but it's just not happening. Yeah, she has a smokin' bod, but she goes on and on about getting pregnant, some guy named Brad and chick named Angelina who 'ruined her life.' As long as you're fit and A-List, I'm game."
It's Justin Theroux!
"I'm searching for someone who will finally take me seriously. I'm way smart and way hot. Although I was just booted from a film because the studio didn't seem to think I have staying power, I really have a lot to offer -- I swear. If you're into art, gossip and long walks in Central Park, drop me a line."
It's Blake Lively!
"You know that whole 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing? Well, it isn't true. I may have banged a lot of babes during my marriage, but I could have sworn we had an 'arrangement.' I'm looking for someone to give me a try and allow me to trust that an 'arrangement' means 'arrangement' again!"
It's Ashton Kutcher!
"Here's the deal: I'm in my early 40's and I'm running out of time to have a baby. My current beau won't hand over his sperm so I'm forced to troll Craiglist for it. My requirements are simply that you have all your limbs, all your teeth and are above average height. I await your goods."
It's Jennifer Aniston!
"Since I'm quite certain my boyfriend is about to be kidnapped by one of his fanatical fans any day, I'm looking to procure a future boyfriend as his replacement. I'm into boys on the shorter side who are often mistaken for being girls. If you could sing, that would be great, too. Most importantly, though, I really don't want you to have any fans, like, at all."
It's Selena Gomez!
"Looking for: someone who only has eyes for me, damnit! I'm sick of being compared to others and having my spotlight taken away. I want your complete attention at ALL times and to be taken shopping at least twice a day. I am potty-trained."
It's Suri Cruise!
"Searching for a partner for life for myself and a father for my daughter. I have been single for awhile and am looking to get back into the dating seen. I'm an actress on the rise and need someone who can handle my future success. I'm often mistaken for Carey Mulligan and can do an amazing impression of Marilyn Monroe."
It's Michelle Williams!
"I'm a ladies man. The ladies love me and I love the ladies. I'm not looking for anything serious, to be honest, and am more comfortable in a 'hit it and quit it' relationship. If you want some of this action (I've been told I'm très sexy), then get in touch. I mean that both literally and metaphorically. Also, I can speak fluent French... so, écrivez-moi."
It's Bradley Cooper!
