First of all, I’d like to point out that I know you’re a happily married man with four daughters. I’m aware that this may stand in the way of our life together, but I’d also like to point out that Spencer Tracy was married the entire time he was with Katharine Hepburn, so sometimes love can be a bit complicated. But I love complicated, I live complicated, I’ll even get the word ‘complicated’ tattooed on my arm as a permanent sign of devotion to you and our future together.
I know we’ve never met and my crush on you is based on your roles in movies, and according to my friends and family, movies are not real, but I don’t think that means we don’t have a shot at something great. Do you know how many times I’ve watched Beginners in the last three months? I don’t either, but I’m sure it’s more than 25. I bet you like cake, right? Well, I like cake too! Wait, you like frosting on your cake, right? Come on, I know you must! Because you’re not going to believe this, but I like, actually I take that back, I love frosting on my cake, too! How funny is that? It’s not often you find people who like cake and frosting. It’s like finding a pearl in a vast desolate ocean that, to be honest, is what my life is like without you.
Although as a New Yorker I have an automatic aversion to Los Angeles, I want you to know I’ll move there to be closer to you. I just renewed my driver’s license, so I could re-learn how to drive and within a few months, I’ll be able to tackle those freeways like an expert. Granted, I don’t expect to do much driving, since we’ll be living together and therefore, I won’t have a reason to stray too far, but if you’re on the set one day I can come visit. I will bring snacks.
Ewan, let’s just get straight to the heart of things, shall we? I have loved you since Trainspotting. I not only saw it in the movie theater with my boyfriend at the time — who doesn’t hold a candle to you, so no worries there — but all of junior year in college I had a poster of you from the movie on my wall right above my bed. Every night I’d softly coo “goodnight Ewan,” and although you were just made of paper, I knew that somewhere in the world you were feeling my embrace of love through the air, because love travels through the air, of course.
Did I mention that besides the French accent, the Scottish accent is the only one I really love? Well, it is. Which brings me to your voice and laugh, do you know how adorable they are and how adorable my voice and laugh are, too? Just some more further proof over which you can ponder as to why we’re a match made in heaven.
Sure, I might be slightly unhinged and a blogger who hides away from most of the world in my one-bedroom flat, and maybe I’m not the tallest or skinniest of ladies, but when it comes to connection, real connection, and what unites us, my looks have nothing to do with it. All that matters at the end of the day, Ewan, is your looks and those insanely beautiful blue eyes. I have blue eyes by the way, too.
I feel I should wrap things up at this point. I don’t want to come on too strong, and since I plan on sending you a letter everyday until I hear back from you, I’ll have plenty of time to cover all the other ways in which we are so obviously soulmates. You’ll come around to it; I know you will. Sometimes things are plain as day, but it just takes a year full of letters to prove it so.