Joan Rivers’s 739 Plastic Surgeries Guarantee That The 740th Will Be Free

It’s no secret that Joan Rivers l-o-v-e-s plastic surgery. She wakes up in the morning craving the feeling of someone attacking her face with a knife, a needle and a staple gun. In fact, the rumor for years was that Melissa Rivers‘s real father was a bohemian scalpel. But even though it’s common knowledge that Joan’s face is more fresh than a brand new fetus, I didn’t know it took 739 plastic surgeries to get it there.

Yes, you read that right. Joan Rivers claims that she’s had 739 surgeries. I would guess that after the 700th surgery she’s just replacing the plastic parts with expired warranties. Or reorganizing veins or shuffling around her organs for feng shui. Because I’m really not sure how much you can tuck and pull one human body.

I guess the other possibility is that she’s embarking on some kind of bold new social experiment where you start the mummification process while you’re still alive. That way you look fresh to death at your funeral. Which in this day and age of mobile uploads isn’t the worst idea. You wouldn’t want someone checking in to your funeral on foursquare and telling everyone you looked old.

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