How I Almost Hooked Up With My Fantasy Crush

All those Dos Equises were pooling in my bladder and I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I’m told that when I was in there, MTV guy went up to my friends asking if they’d seen me, and they said no. He said “oh” and shuffled away, and they looked at each other and went “womp womp.” Real classy, guys.

By the time I’d made my way back from the bathroom, my fantasy crush had texted me that he couldn’t get his friends into the party, so he’d left. Would I like to go meet up with him?

I would have gone right then, but Les Savy Fav was just going on, and they’re one of my favorite bands to see live. Also, I was having fun with my friends, and the party was going to be over soon anyway (it was like 4am). I figured I’d go to his hotel room afterwards.

By the time I was ready to leave, it was 5am. MTV guy had been sending me texts with elaborate plans as to how he might come get me, then canceling said plans before I could even respond. I realized that if I wanted to get any sleep before I got on a yellow school bus to Mexico the next morning, I needed to go home to my friend Dan’s house, where I was staying. All my stuff that I needed to bring with me to Mexico was there. Plus, I didn’t want to just peace out on Dan without saying goodbye. Plus, my friend was at least as drunk as I was and had no clue how to get home by herself. I’d known her a lot longer than I’d known MTV guy, and wasn’t ready to abandon her to the desolate Austin streets. I scavenged a rolled-up twenty from the floor and hailed a cab, resigned to the fact I probably wasn’t going to bang MTV guy that night.

But still, the texts kept coming. “Don’t go to Mexico!” he said. “I’m holing up in the Driskill [a fancy hotel] for the day and mellowing out. Come get stoned and order room service and watch movies with me! This bed is enormous!”

You have no idea how much I wanted to do this, guys. I would have eaten the shit out of his room service, and maybe some other stuff, too. But I had plans to go see punk bands in Mexico, and if I wouldn’t cancel them because my mother was begging me to, I could not, in good conscience, cancel them for a booty call. Any booty call.

I told him we could hang out in New York, and he said okay. But when I got back and contacted him, he totally blew me off! Maybe he met someone else, maybe he only liked me in Austin, or maybe he disqualified me for being a vegan. Who knows? All I know is his last text to me was “you only eat veggie food, huh?”

Disclaimer: Lest you think I’m a heartless harpy for publishing this account, I don’t think MTV guy comes off too badly in it, aside from a slight overestimation of his powers and a waning interest in sleeping with someone, which I think we’re all guilty of at one point or another. If you’re reading this, friend, there are no hard feelings, and I did kind of warn you. I still think you’re dreamy and would totally still bone down with you, given the chance, if I didn’t now have a boyfriend whom I love very much. The end.

Share This Post:
    • Amanda Chatel

      I’m going to assume this MTV crush is the same person as my MTV crush based on your description. So now I’m going to reread it and replace “Jamie” with “Amanda.”

      My night just got so much better! Thanks!

    • Esme Smith

      You sound like such an idiot!! The guy is on TV, is successful, and cute, and blew you off in NYC. He then saw you out of town and tried to have sex, but you either didn’t make clear you were going to pee or took some crazy long time doing it, and couldn’t be bothered to hook up w/him. He doesn’t CARE about you (duh), he was looking to have sex w/you the night he BUMPED into you, he didn’t bother hooking up with you in NYC, let alone date you — get over it. You also sound like a creep (he was JEWISH, woo hoo, he had GLASSES, OMG, he was a nebbish – no wait, even better, he wasn’t — what do you want?? Try getting to know a guy and seeing beyond his ethnicity and accessories. Oh, and re TR, you gave a guy who asked a handjob, you were 19 yrs old, accept responsibility and go into therapy if you can’t say no. And no guy strips so quickly that you don’t even have time to say “whoa” 1x or 3x, or the sense to leave if it creeps you out. Learn from the experience, but you sound just as flaky and clueless now.

      • Lauren

        So your celebrity high school crushes all were completely validated by how much charity work they did, what kind of person they were on the inside and had nothing to do with their looks? Yeah, ok.

        You sound like a bitter bitch harpy, and not the good kind.