• Tue, Jan 24 2012

Gossip Girl Power Ranking: ‘Father And The Bride’

Gossip Girl Power Ranking: Father and the Bride

We’ve made some changes to our Gossip Girl recaps: Joshua Friesen will still be asking why there are so many parties and ragging on Penn Badgley in the way that made his “30 Year-Old-Man’s Guide to Gossip Girl” posts so funny. But now he’s adding in sports-inspired power rankings to keep you abreast of all the social intrigue on the show.

I love sports. I guess that’s no big surprise; I am a man in his (early) thirties, after all. Inspired by that love, I’ve adapted a common sports writing tool that allows me to bring a bit of quantitative analysis to the teen drama game: The power ranking. If you’re not familiar with the concept of a power ranking, it’s generally used to rank sports teams or athletes, how their performance rises and falls over time, and the reasons for any change.

Each week I’ll rank all the major characters and any minor characters that played an important role in the episode. With that out of the way, here’s the very first Gossip Girl Power Ranking:

Character

Rank

Last Week

Trending

Comments

Nate Archibald

1

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Normally, learning a family member plotted to kill you would push a guy into a downward spiral. Nate, on the other hand, seems enlivened. He set his grandfather straight and is engineering a buyout of The Spectator. Congratulations, Nate. You’re number one!
Blair Waldorf

2

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I like drunk Blair. She’s so much more fun that dour Blair, or scheming Blair. This week, she cut loose, got locked up, and still came out smelling fresh. In my book, that’s good enough for spot number two. But watch the bulimia jokes, sister. If you keep that up, the only thing falling faster than your rank, will be Seal’s will to live.
Gossip Girl

3

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I’m not sure what’s going on with Gossip Girl right now. In return for spiking Serena’s first column, she feeds Nate damning information on his cousin. But in Nate and Serena’s plot to ensnare Tripp, the column goes up anyway. Was Gossip Girl in on that? Was she double-crossed?  The answer will be crucial in determining future rankings.
Chuck Bass

4

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Bad Chuck is back, or at least he seems to be. I’ve been hoping for this all season, but now that it’s here, I’m conflicted. If he succeeds in breaking up Blair’s wedding, that may be his own Rubicon. I wish he’d use his evil powers for good, like ruining Dan. In summary: trend – undetermined, rank – unimpressive.
Serena van der Woodsen

5

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What are you doing, Serena? You were on a roll. Your first column was a hit in the nation’s biggest city, you helped your friend Nate ruin a man you hate, and you looked great in all those short skirts. But now you’re lying to Dan so you can continue to fake date him? You don’t need to stoop to that level. You’re a seven-foot tall blonde, for god’s sake. Just seduce him and get it over with.
Kati Grimaldi

6

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Kati’s arrow was going up for the first 59 minutes of this episode. She had finally turned a corner and accepted Blair, even saving her from embarrassment in the press. But when you get exiled to Africa, it’s an undeniable downward trend. I guess that’s what you get for trusting such an impossibly square-jawed priest. (Yeah, I noticed. What of it?)
Dan Humphrey

7

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I may have misheard (I hope I misheard), but did Dan really say he wanted to write a “modern western”? He’s gone too far this time. I loathe you, Dan Humphrey. I wish you ill.  If you keep this garbage up, you’ll be on the bottom of this list forever.

Judging by the preview, it looks like next week is D-Day for Blair and Louis. Maybe we’ll see The Graduate all over again: Chuck banging on the church window, he and Blair making their escape on a passing bus, sitting in silence together as the full weight of their decision comes crashing down… Probably not. Knowing this show, they’ll just drag the wedding out over the next seven episodes. I guess we’ll see.

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