• Thu, Jan 19 2012

Dear Michael Fassbender: We Get That You Have A Penis And It’s Spectacular

In case you haven’t heard Michael Fassbender is a man. As biology and anatomy classes have taught us, this means he has a penis. Women have vaginas, men have penises and then there are eunuchs; Fassbender is not a eunuch.

It was all the full frontal nudity in Shame that made the actor’s penis the talk of the town this past year. It was hard (pun!) to go anywhere without someone commenting on his, well, manliness.

In November our new favorite celebrity penis joined MTV’s After Hours host Josh Horowitz on his show where Fassbender showed that even outside of his own junk, he’s well acquainted with the junk of others and can easily identify fellow celebrity penises. He was shown photos of other actors who pulled a full monty and was only stumped once. Like we said, the man knows dick (pun!).

Then came the Golden Globes where in George Clooney‘s long (pun!) acceptance speech for his Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama award, he included a very complimentary shout out to fellow nominee Fassbender.

“I would like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking over the frontal nude responsibly that I had,” he said. “Really Michael, honestly, you can play golf like this with your hands behind your back,” he continued, mocking a golf swing with his hands behind back. “Go for it man, do it!”

Actually, the Golden Globes were full of a decent amount of penis jokes, because if we’re not talking cock, then we’ve lost all sense of ourselves.

Last night on the Late Show with David Letterman, Fassbender was at it again. In a playful retaliation to his A Dangerous Method co-star Viggo Mortensen, who told Letterman last week that Fassbender hops on one leg repeatedly in preparation for a scene, Fassbender went the penis route of course! He told Letterman that when Mortensen prepares for a scene he sits in the corner naked eating — wait for it — a banana. Get it? Penis? Banana?

So dearest Michael, we get it; we really do. You have a penis and it’s large and amazing and you’re probably being propositioned by women left and right because of it. Good for you. But can we please move on to another topic? How about your ass? That might be a nice change of pace and no one has put nearly enough focus on that part of your body. Frankly at the end of the day, a dick is a dick is a dick is a dick — or so I’ve been told.

You can reach this post's author, Amanda Chatel, on twitter.
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